I'm awake and can hear my multiple children running around the living room and kitchen.
I looked across our bedroom and noticed a new, beautiful gardenia bloom just opened on my potted gardenia near the window. Gardenia's were always my Mom's favorite, and having one growing in my house always makes me think of her and smile. I miss her this morning.
My husband told me to stay in bed (he usually gets up with the kids because morning is the best sleep time for pregnant-leg-cramping-Calee) (and also because he's an actual angel masquerading as a regular human). "Don't get up!" he insisted as he walked out into the fray.
It took me a minute to remember that today is Mother's Day.
I know what the kids are doing in the kitchen, and why I need to stay in bed. They're making me breakfast in bed and I'll ruin it if I get up.
I know because they've told me that's what they always did for their Mom who lives in heaven now on Mother's Day.
My heart hurts.
My heart hurts because I love them and knowing that they might be hurting this morning hurts me.
I know that they love another Mom - a Mom who I've heard endless stories about. It's so bizarre that there is a huge part of their life that I was absent for, because I feel so connected here. Like we've always been together.
But we haven't.
I think of all of the other stepmoms/bonus moms that I know. I wonder how many of them are hurting this morning...I think about the sacrifice that is letting new children have your whole heart, while knowing that you'll never be able to have 100% of their's. Don't get me wrong - there is SO much joy, too. So much. I never considered the painful part, though...at least not until I felt it for myself.
I think of the adopted moms that I know. I think about their struggles...I think about that kind of mothering experience. I imagine it's a lot like building the connection that I have with my bonus kids...only their kids might not understand what love even is. These kids have no concept of a family. Permanence. Stability. There are so many foundational pieces to put into place before deep connectivity is even a possibility.
I think about the decade I spent wishing I were married and had children. I think about watching everyone I knew announce relationships and engagements and marriages and babies. I remember when one of the girls I used to babysit announced her engagement. It was like salt in an open wound. I think of the women my age (and older) that I know personally (or who I've met at events) who are in that space...just...waiting. Searching. Praying. Feeling the sting today.
I recently read a quote by Sheri Dew that I feel like I should share:
"Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve "the mother of all living" - and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born." -Sheri Dew (Are We Not All Mothers?)
(This talk is incredible and everyone should read it, btw.)
I'm running out of time before I have to run to speak in a sacrament meeting in Bountiful. Don't get me started on feeling like a bad Mom this morning...it's my first Mother's Day with my new kids and I totally spaced the MOTHERS DAY PROGRAM in church that's happening today. So I'll be missing it. Yes. Missing our very first one. Because I committed months ago to speaking in another ward that meets at the same time as ours. I may or may not have cried a little bit when I realized. They cried, too. I feel awful. Happy Mother's Day.
So! QUICKLY BEFORE I HAVE TO LEAVE AND THE REST OF THIS BLOG NEVER HAPPENS:
I want to put it out into the universe that I believe Sheri Dew is right. I believe that as women, we are each called to motherhood - even if the maternity part of motherhood doesn't happen to us in this life.
"While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord's language, the word 'mother' has layers of meaning. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us. Some of us, then, must find simply find other ways to mother. And all around us those who need to be loved and led." Sheri Dew
As a testament to that truth...I want to share that one of the best mothers I've ever known is a woman who was never able to have children of her own. She lived through years of grief, struggling to understand the why. You know what, though? She didn't let that heartbreak stop her from developing her own divine characteristics of motherhood. She learned to serve, to love deeply, to give of herself wholly.
That woman is now who my children will grow up calling Grandma. She chose to take on a whole slew of adult stepchildren - including myself - and grandbabies when she married my Dad after Mom passed away.
She stepped up.
She didn't let the fact that her calling to motherhood looked different than she expected stop her from being an incredible mother.
I've experienced the power of unconventional mothers in so many aspects of my life since Mom died. I've needed Mom so deeply...through my divorce, trying to figure out my first baby. Heavens, I need her now to figure out ALL of these babies haha.
I am so, eternally grateful for the women in my life who have stepped up to mother me in her absence.
Some have had their own kids, some haven't.
ALL of them have fulfilled roles as mothers to me in my life.
So...here's a shout out to YOU, my beloved mothers. Some of you conventional, some of you not.
I believe this day is for all of us. Today is for my Moms who are in the trenches of motherhood...sleepless nights, poopy diapers or struggling adult children, stress and schedules and exhaustion.
AND it is also for my sweet sisters with no babies (who aren't married, or struggle with infertility), to my friends who have chosen to not have children, for my empty-nesting-mothers, my fellow bonus Moms, adoptive mothers, aunts, cousins, friends, neighbors who don't fit the mold of "ideal" motherhood.
We are ALL mothers. All of us.
I love you. Happy Mother's Day.
xo.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Monday, May 7, 2018
My Picky Eaters Ate This. You're Welcome.
Finding something my boys will eat is a real challenge sometimes.
I'm not sure what traumatic experience they had in their early development, but a dinner consisting of anything other than corndogs and Kraft mac n cheese sends them into hysterics.
It's difficult, y'all.
(Ok that's a little dramatic, but it feels like that's reality like 90% of the time)
(I'm done Mom-whining)
(...for now...)
Here's the link to the yummiest meatloaf recipe: CLICK ME!
Notes:
*I sprayed a cupcake tin with Pam and made mini-meatloafs because when food is cute sometimes it entices my kids to eat better (??). The cook time was the same. Deliiiiiiicious.
*I also added a half tsp of onion powder and garlic powder. Next time I'd skip the onion powder!
I made it with glazed carrots (super easy!):
(I can't find the recipe I used now...and I don't have time to hunt. SO!)
1. Fill a pot with 1/2" of water and bring to a boil
2. Turn heat to med/low (simmer) and cover
3. Dump a bag of baby carrots in (I peeled a half pound of regular old carrots and cut them into small pieces)
4. Add 1 tsp salt and 1 TBS of brown sugar
5. Let carrots cook 7-8 minutes covered
6. Uncover and bring heat to high. Let boil until water reduces to a sugary glaze (about 10 more minutes).
**these are super easy and delicious!
Good luck with all of your dinner endeavors, my friends. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
xoxo
I'm not sure what traumatic experience they had in their early development, but a dinner consisting of anything other than corndogs and Kraft mac n cheese sends them into hysterics.
It's difficult, y'all.
(Ok that's a little dramatic, but it feels like that's reality like 90% of the time)
(I'm done Mom-whining)
(...for now...)
Here's the link to the yummiest meatloaf recipe: CLICK ME!
Notes:
*I sprayed a cupcake tin with Pam and made mini-meatloafs because when food is cute sometimes it entices my kids to eat better (??). The cook time was the same. Deliiiiiiicious.
*I also added a half tsp of onion powder and garlic powder. Next time I'd skip the onion powder!
I made it with glazed carrots (super easy!):
(I can't find the recipe I used now...and I don't have time to hunt. SO!)
1. Fill a pot with 1/2" of water and bring to a boil
2. Turn heat to med/low (simmer) and cover
3. Dump a bag of baby carrots in (I peeled a half pound of regular old carrots and cut them into small pieces)
4. Add 1 tsp salt and 1 TBS of brown sugar
5. Let carrots cook 7-8 minutes covered
6. Uncover and bring heat to high. Let boil until water reduces to a sugary glaze (about 10 more minutes).
**these are super easy and delicious!
Good luck with all of your dinner endeavors, my friends. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
xoxo
Thursday, April 26, 2018
Believer
I was flying home from Time Out in Spokane, WA in Spring of 2014 when I wrote the first set of lyrics for Believer. I recently found a picture of the actual TOFG journal I was writing in on that airplane:
I don't think it was coincidental that the title of the page is "God's Plan For You" with Proverbs 3:6 beneath it. Vi was turning 1 and was smack dab in the middle of her battle with reflux with no relief in sight for the constant night wakings/screaming. My marriage was on the rocks and I didn't know how to deal with it or talk about it...I wasn't sure how much of our struggle I should share (even with my closest family and/or friends). I had just spent the weekend feeling spiritually fed and uplifted and happy, and was now on my way back home to the battlefield...and I felt so tired about it. Have you ever felt like that..?
There are certain things I've always known. I feel like I've always known that God is real. Even when I struggled believing it when Mom was so sick with cancer, I just always knew. I think that's a part of what made everything during that time so horrible, you know? I knew God could fix it...He just didn't. He wouldn't.
Another thing I think I've always known is that God loves us...which has often left me asking,"Why?"
"Why is this so hard?" ←I'm not talking about normal, everyday kind of hard. Not the kind of hard that makes you frustrated and upset for a few days or weeks. The kind of hard that doesn't have a foreseeable end. The kind of hard that just goes on and on and on. Why is life THAT hard sometimes..?
*or*
"Why is this happening to me?"
"When will it get easier?"
"How do I get through this without becoming bitter and jaded and a crazy, nightmare mess of a human?"
I get that God needs us to be refined, you know? Trials and challenges push and stretch and shape us into better people (ideally). I get that pain and hurt can do that for us. But knowing that's true, and allowing that knowledge to comfort you while things are painful and awful are two very different things.
As I sat there on that airplane, I thought about the things that I knew(/know) and wondered how I could get that knowledge to relieve more of my pain...I wondered how I could get my faith to swoop in and save me when I found myself and my baby awake, delirious and miserable at 11pm, 12:15am, 1am, 3am, 4:30am, 5:00am. Every.Single. Night.
I wondered how I could fight the urge to blame all of my marital struggles on my husband or our circumstances...how my belief in charity and patience could change from things I felt in my heart to words that came out of my mouth in the middle of hurtful arguments. How my faith could go from theory to reality, you know?
Ultimately, I thought about the kind of believer I wished that I were. I thought about Peter having the faith to step out onto the waves and walk on water to the Savior. That's the kind of belief I wanted to have; enough to walk on water. Enough faith that it would manifest clearly in my life.
I thought about how the scriptures talk about having even a tiny mustard seed of faith - and how even THAT amount of faith would allow us to move mountains. I wished I were more steadfast...less prone to moments of doubt and weakness in the face of hardship. I wished I didn't fight against the struggle and pain so much...I wished it were easier for me to accept life's disappointments.
Those thoughts tumbled around until they came out as a clear set of lyrics - the chorus of what is now the title track of the new album - "Believer". If you look at the journal pic above, you'll see that there were basically no edits in the original lyrics. They just came out that way and stuck in my brain for three years until I sat down with Stephen Nelson (of Gentri) and Anji Mickelson to flesh out the rest of the lyrics and song structure.
I'm so glad that Stephen and Anji saw such potential in that one set of words...so grateful that they felt the power and vulnerability there. I love the message that doubt and fear and pain can motivate us to come closer to God...that we can't fully let God in when we shut those things out of our hearts and minds.
I wonder how many of you reading this are in that space right now; facing challenges that seem to be never ending. I wonder if you've found yourself asking these same things? I hope that if that's you...if that's where you are...that you listen to this song and know that you aren't alone. We all need help believing sometimes. Every, single one of us.
Believer
Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Want the things You want for me
When I'm lost along the way
Help me find patience in the moments when it's hard to see
Your hand guiding me
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
Help me believe
Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Feel the things You feel for me
When the feeling doesn't stay
Help me to see the things I don't want to see
As Your hand showing me
Help me Lord, I pray
O, Lord
Help me believe
Give place to the voice that always questions
Give voice to the pain, the fear, the doubt
Give way to the moments I am faithless
I can't let You in if I shut them out
Help me to be the believe that I want to be
Give the things You've given me
The words You'd have me say
Help me to walk this path that You've set for me
Help me walk with steady feed
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
Help me believe
Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Want the things You want for me
When I'm lost along the way
Help me find patience in the moments when it's hard to see
Your hand guiding me
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
O, Lord
Help me believe
PS want to watch a clip from the Q&A from that same TOFG event?? and marvel at my hair transformation over the last four years 🤣?? here you go: click me!
I don't think it was coincidental that the title of the page is "God's Plan For You" with Proverbs 3:6 beneath it. Vi was turning 1 and was smack dab in the middle of her battle with reflux with no relief in sight for the constant night wakings/screaming. My marriage was on the rocks and I didn't know how to deal with it or talk about it...I wasn't sure how much of our struggle I should share (even with my closest family and/or friends). I had just spent the weekend feeling spiritually fed and uplifted and happy, and was now on my way back home to the battlefield...and I felt so tired about it. Have you ever felt like that..?
There are certain things I've always known. I feel like I've always known that God is real. Even when I struggled believing it when Mom was so sick with cancer, I just always knew. I think that's a part of what made everything during that time so horrible, you know? I knew God could fix it...He just didn't. He wouldn't.
Another thing I think I've always known is that God loves us...which has often left me asking,"Why?"
"Why is this so hard?" ←I'm not talking about normal, everyday kind of hard. Not the kind of hard that makes you frustrated and upset for a few days or weeks. The kind of hard that doesn't have a foreseeable end. The kind of hard that just goes on and on and on. Why is life THAT hard sometimes..?
*or*
"Why is this happening to me?"
"When will it get easier?"
"How do I get through this without becoming bitter and jaded and a crazy, nightmare mess of a human?"
I get that God needs us to be refined, you know? Trials and challenges push and stretch and shape us into better people (ideally). I get that pain and hurt can do that for us. But knowing that's true, and allowing that knowledge to comfort you while things are painful and awful are two very different things.
As I sat there on that airplane, I thought about the things that I knew(/know) and wondered how I could get that knowledge to relieve more of my pain...I wondered how I could get my faith to swoop in and save me when I found myself and my baby awake, delirious and miserable at 11pm, 12:15am, 1am, 3am, 4:30am, 5:00am. Every.Single. Night.
I wondered how I could fight the urge to blame all of my marital struggles on my husband or our circumstances...how my belief in charity and patience could change from things I felt in my heart to words that came out of my mouth in the middle of hurtful arguments. How my faith could go from theory to reality, you know?
Ultimately, I thought about the kind of believer I wished that I were. I thought about Peter having the faith to step out onto the waves and walk on water to the Savior. That's the kind of belief I wanted to have; enough to walk on water. Enough faith that it would manifest clearly in my life.
I thought about how the scriptures talk about having even a tiny mustard seed of faith - and how even THAT amount of faith would allow us to move mountains. I wished I were more steadfast...less prone to moments of doubt and weakness in the face of hardship. I wished I didn't fight against the struggle and pain so much...I wished it were easier for me to accept life's disappointments.
Those thoughts tumbled around until they came out as a clear set of lyrics - the chorus of what is now the title track of the new album - "Believer". If you look at the journal pic above, you'll see that there were basically no edits in the original lyrics. They just came out that way and stuck in my brain for three years until I sat down with Stephen Nelson (of Gentri) and Anji Mickelson to flesh out the rest of the lyrics and song structure.
I'm so glad that Stephen and Anji saw such potential in that one set of words...so grateful that they felt the power and vulnerability there. I love the message that doubt and fear and pain can motivate us to come closer to God...that we can't fully let God in when we shut those things out of our hearts and minds.
I wonder how many of you reading this are in that space right now; facing challenges that seem to be never ending. I wonder if you've found yourself asking these same things? I hope that if that's you...if that's where you are...that you listen to this song and know that you aren't alone. We all need help believing sometimes. Every, single one of us.
Believer
Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Want the things You want for me
When I'm lost along the way
Help me find patience in the moments when it's hard to see
Your hand guiding me
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
Help me believe
Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Feel the things You feel for me
When the feeling doesn't stay
Help me to see the things I don't want to see
As Your hand showing me
Help me Lord, I pray
O, Lord
Help me believe
Give place to the voice that always questions
Give voice to the pain, the fear, the doubt
Give way to the moments I am faithless
I can't let You in if I shut them out
Help me to be the believe that I want to be
Give the things You've given me
The words You'd have me say
Help me to walk this path that You've set for me
Help me walk with steady feed
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
Help me believe
Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Want the things You want for me
When I'm lost along the way
Help me find patience in the moments when it's hard to see
Your hand guiding me
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
O, Lord
Help me believe
PS want to watch a clip from the Q&A from that same TOFG event?? and marvel at my hair transformation over the last four years 🤣?? here you go: click me!