An Update of Sorts

WORLD. I AM ALIIIIIVE.

You know what I've discovered? (other than the HOT IRON HOLSTER and holy crap it's changed my bathroom's life - and, no, no one is paying me to say that haha) What I've discovered is that I really like Instagram. I like Instagram because I can snap a cute picture on my phone, add a humorous/silly/thoughtful few lines of text, post it to my IG and - within a few minutes - I have likes and comments and validation (go ahead and judge! social media validation might be pretty pathetic, but it's a real thing and it helps me sometimes when I'm having a bad day, ok?!) and the entire process takes me less than two minutes. I feel connected to all of you, and I feel good about it. 

Blogging is a little more difficult. It requires more thought...more planning. All of the additional space for words and thoughts equates to a deeper level of honesty for me. Looking around the blogging-world I recognize that honesty isn't necessarily something that ALL bloggers feel motivated by (have you read THIS article yet? it's been posted and re-posted all over my facebook feed lately...I haven't decided 100% how I feel about it yet, but he makes some interesting points!). 

"So, what's the problem?" you might ask. "Is being honest difficult for you, Calee..?"

The answer isn't that simple - but, if I were to get right down to it, I guess I would say: yes.

I want to be honest, believe me. I'm one of those people who was born (gifted or cursed depending on the situation haha) with the tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve, to share my opinions and feelings openly. It seems, though, that being really - totally and completely - honest isn't always acceptable. Being brutally honest can garner feedback about how I need to work on being more positive as a person (don't worry, I've kicked all of those people in the kneecaps), feedback about being careful to not air my dirty laundry for the world to see/hear/be shocked by, feedback about having more faith.

The reason I'm telling you all of this, is because I'm going to start opening back up and being here more often - even though that level of honesty feels a bit scary and daunting lately. The last few years have taught me a lot of things (my marital issues, my sick baby, my divorce, etc)...one of the hardest lessons for me to un-learn has been the need to be quiet. To keep my mouth shut and suck it up emotionally and just be quiet. Have any of you wondered why I complained so loudly all over my social media about V being so sick..? Other than the fact that her first year and a half was nothing short of hellish, torturous and nightmarish - I was experiencing other incredibly difficult things that didn't have a voice. I didn't feel like I could say those things, I didn't feel like they were safe to share. Anyways.

There is healing in honesty. There is healing in not being quiet. Don't worry, all of you worriers out there, haha. I'm not going to start spilling my guts about all of my deep darkness (OR WILL I??). I'm just going to stop being stopped by the fear of judgement and chastisement. 

So here I am. Hey. Hi. Hello. It's been a while. Good to see you again. ::virtual high five::

I'm going to try to share weekly here - with videos of my favorite Christian songs and thoughts on life and motherhood and being single and dating and how it's all scary and wonderful and crazy and awesome and weird and hard. 

Thanks for caring - and even if you don't, thanks for reading all the way down to this last line.

xo.

The truth about today

The truth about today...and about all of the days I've experienced recently, actually...is that I wish I weren't living them at all. Not to say that I wish I weren't physically here - but that being emotionally and mentally so distant from where I want to be makes me long for an extended vacation. 

Extended like for the rest of my life. 

That's a thing, right?

Hawaii, anyone..? 

Maybe it's actually that I'm NOT truly living my days - I'm just getting through them. Have you ever felt like that? Like you're scraping yourself out of bed in the morning and dragging yourself through them and frump-ing (not a verb, but you know what I mean) into bed at the end of them? Just to repeat the process again and again?? How do you even break that cycle??

A friend emailed me the other day and told me I seem so happy on all of my social media, and that she's happy for me to be so happy. That same day, another person in my life told me that I'm the most dramatic, negative person ever and that everyone hates my social media (??) <--this doesn="" font="" like="" me="" much.="" obviously.="" particularly="" person="" t="" very=""> It struck me as interesting that I had two people comment on that with such different perceptions in the same day. My conclusion was that they were each looking at my social media through the lens of their own experience, and that's how they were coming to such different conclusions about me/my life.

I wish it were easier to apply lessons like that to myself right now. I wish I could just look at situations in my life and say,"Well, self, this isn't ideal; however, it could be way worse! Look on the bright side!" without wanting to punch my optimistic self in the face. Or, "Hey, self, you get to choose the way you view your life! Why not count your blessings instead of eating an entire two-tiered box of Godiva chocolate by yourself?" <--this font="" happened.="" have="" may="" nbsp="" not="" or="">

You know what I mean?

The great, fantastic, absolutely wonderful news about little pockets of rainclouds in life is this: they pass. They always do. They're not fun, they don't come with a calendar for you to count down to sunshine, they aren't my favorite - but they pass. I'm doing my best to get enough sleep, not poison myself with chocolate-overload, etc....and sometimes that's all you can do.

I guess the point of this post is just to throw it out into the universe that I'm having a rough time, and I hope that if you're having a rough time, too, that you know that you're not alone. We're both just hanging out in the rain, waiting for the storm to pass. There are things to be learned in every season of life, and with every challenge there's an opportunity to grow. 

(Don't ask me what we're supposed to be learning right now, because honestly - I don't freakin know.)

(Try me after the storm passes.)

Good luck, my fellow storm-friends. At least we're not in this alone.

xo.

Where We Belong

I distinctly remember the feeling of walking into church that first Sunday after having filed for divorce. Holding tightly to my two year old's hand, I walked into sacrament meeting to a row near the overflow section and prayed that no one would talk to me. Nothing had changed, and yet everything had...we had been separated for months, but I had never opened up to friends or ward members about my marital struggles. That Sunday, after everything had been decided, I suddenly felt like I was wearing a huge neon sign blaring the news of all my failures and shortcomings. The absence of my wedding ring on my left hand felt shameful and embarrassing. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone would ask, and I could either choose to continue to skirt the truth with excuses - or I could face the horror of saying out loud that my dreams of eternity had come to an end. I felt vulnerable and exposed; I felt like I was wearing a huge bullseye, and I waited for the shots of judgement to hit me.

When I was in my twenties, I desperately wanted to get married and have a family. It felt like everyone around me was realizing that dream - but I couldn't seem to figure out how to get married myself. By the time I was 25, I felt like a total black sheep amongst my fellow church members. Every sacrament talk, every Sunday School lesson and every Relief Society meeting seemed to focus on the importance of family, being a mother, raising children, etc...I couldn't escape the sinking feeling that I'd never realize my FULL potential without getting married and having a family. I felt forgotten by the church curriculum - and constantly reminded of my shortcomings. It was a difficult time for me. All I wanted was to feel like I really belonged; like I belonged to another person, like I belonged within the demographic that all those lessons catered to, like I truly belonged at church.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about belonging lately. It's easy to look out across the congregation at church during a talk about the importance of eternal families, identify how many beautiful, happy, two-parent families are sitting together on pews, and to feel like the sorely out-of-place single Mom on the back row. I feel intensely aware of curious eyes, and often I feel defensive over questions or comments that I'm sure aren't meant to offend me. "Do I really belong here?" I've asked myself.

The answer has come to me in waves - and is consistently reaffirmed to me when I open my heart up to hear the truth.

I belong to God; and therefore, I belong here.

I often deny myself permission to belong. I think we all do sometimes. We find reasons to separate ourselves because of our experiences - our trauma, our burdens, our sins. We imagine that people can't understand us because the path we've walked is different than their's. We wait for money to be right, clothes, education. We wait for the right marital status. We wait for grief to pass. We wait for the right calling (or any calling). We wait for an apology we feel we're owed, or for someone to notice us.

But...what do we value most within the walls of our church buildings? Is it the friendships our children make? The supportive social network we find there? The familiarity and the organization? The spirit we feel? Are we just struggling through three hours so we can say we went..?

(If you're like me, it's probably a mix of those things depending on the day haha.)

The thing I have to remember to value above everything else when I go to church is...who I am and what I mean to God - in spite of all of my many shortcomings. Do we actively remember that the value of each soul in that building, including our own - regardless of our circumstances - is of "great worth" in God's sight? Do we take time (easier said than done with a toddler!) to connect with that truth each Sunday?

Over time, I've realized no one is judging me as harshly as I judge myself - I'm the one casting most of the judgement (taking aim and firing at my own personal bullseye over and over again). People generally don't have the time or energy to spend thinking about/judging me. And if they do? (because, let's be honest...sometimes it happens...) Well, I feel sorry for them. Their life must be pretty boring (and their understanding of who is worthy enough to judge others needs some work).

The truth is: We are known and understood perfectly by a God who knows our hearts better than we know them ourselves. He loves me (and you) not in spite of our failings, but including them. He is the creator of each strength AND weakness we have, having given us talents and flaws to help us learn and grow. He loves us; we belong to and with Him.

I don't have to be anything to belong (perfect, married, covered in children, physically beautiful, wealthy, educated)...I belong because I am His. There is no other approval, no other acceptance, no other understanding that will ever matter in light of that truth.

(Now if someone could remind me of that this coming Sunday, I'd appreciate it.)
(It comes in waves, remember?!)

Love to you all.

xo.