Believer

I was flying home from Time Out in Spokane, WA in Spring of 2014 when I wrote the first set of lyrics for Believer. I recently found a picture of the actual TOFG journal I was writing in on that airplane:

I don't think it was coincidental that the title of the page is "God's Plan For You" with Proverbs 3:6 beneath it. Vi was turning 1 and was smack dab in the middle of her battle with reflux with no relief in sight for the constant night wakings/screaming. My marriage was on the rocks and I didn't know how to deal with it or talk about it...I wasn't sure how much of our struggle I should share (even with my closest family and/or friends). I had just spent the weekend feeling spiritually fed and uplifted and happy, and was now on my way back home to the battlefield...and I felt so tired about it. Have you ever felt like that..?

There are certain things I've always known. I feel like I've always known that God is real. Even when I struggled believing it when Mom was so sick with cancer, I just always knew. I think that's a part of what made everything during that time so horrible, you know? I knew God could fix it...He just didn't. He wouldn't.

Another thing I think I've always known is that God loves us...which has often left me asking,"Why?"

"Why is this so hard?" ←I'm not talking about normal, everyday kind of hard. Not the kind of hard that makes you frustrated and upset for a few days or weeks. The kind of hard that doesn't have a foreseeable end. The kind of hard that just goes on and on and on. Why is life THAT hard sometimes..?
*or*
"Why is this happening to me?"
"When will it get easier?"
"How do I get through this without becoming bitter and jaded and a crazy, nightmare mess of a human?"

I get that God needs us to be refined, you know? Trials and challenges push and stretch and shape us into better people (ideally). I get that pain and hurt can do that for us. But knowing that's true, and allowing that knowledge to comfort you while things are painful and awful are two very different things.

As I sat there on that airplane, I thought about the things that I knew(/know) and wondered how I could get that knowledge to relieve more of my pain...I wondered how I could get my faith to swoop in and save me when I found myself and my baby awake, delirious and miserable at 11pm, 12:15am, 1am, 3am, 4:30am, 5:00am. Every.Single. Night.

I wondered how I could fight the urge to blame all of my marital struggles on my husband or our circumstances...how my belief in charity and patience could change from things I felt in my heart to words that came out of my mouth in the middle of hurtful arguments. How my faith could go from theory to reality, you know?

Ultimately, I thought about the kind of believer I wished that I were. I thought about Peter having the faith to step out onto the waves and walk on water to the Savior. That's the kind of belief I wanted to have; enough to walk on water. Enough faith that it would manifest clearly in my life.

 I thought about how the scriptures talk about having even a tiny mustard seed of faith - and how even THAT amount of faith would allow us to move mountains. I wished I were more steadfast...less prone to moments of doubt and weakness in the face of hardship. I wished I didn't fight against the struggle and pain so much...I wished it were easier for me to accept life's disappointments.
Those thoughts tumbled around until they came out as a clear set of lyrics - the chorus of what is now the title track of the new album - "Believer". If you look at the journal pic above, you'll see that there were basically no edits in the original lyrics. They just came out that way and stuck in my brain for three years until I sat down with Stephen Nelson (of Gentri) and Anji Mickelson to flesh out the rest of the lyrics and song structure.

I'm so glad that Stephen and Anji saw such potential in that one set of words...so grateful that they felt the power and vulnerability there. I love the message that doubt and fear and pain can motivate us to come closer to God...that we can't fully let God in when we shut those things out of our hearts and minds.

I wonder how many of you reading this are in that space right now; facing challenges that seem to be never ending. I wonder if you've found yourself asking these same things? I hope that if that's you...if that's where you are...that you listen to this song and know that you aren't alone. We all need help believing sometimes. Every, single one of us.

Believer

Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Want the things You want for me
When I'm lost along the way
Help me find patience in the moments when it's hard to see
Your hand guiding me
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
Help me believe

Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Feel the things You feel for me
When the feeling doesn't stay
Help me to see the things I don't want to see
As Your hand showing me
Help me Lord, I pray
O, Lord
Help me believe

Give place to the voice that always questions
Give voice to the pain, the fear, the doubt
Give way to the moments I am faithless
I can't let You in if I shut them out

Help me to be the believe that I want to be
Give the things You've given me
The words You'd have me say
Help me to walk this path that You've set for me
Help me walk with steady feed
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
Help me believe

Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Want the things You want for me
When I'm lost along the way
Help me find patience in the moments when it's hard to see
Your hand guiding me
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
O, Lord
Help me believe

PS want to watch a clip from the Q&A from that same TOFG event?? and marvel at my hair transformation over the last four years 🤣?? here you go: click me!

What Six Months Can Do

Every time I sit down to write about my life lately, I immediately feel so overwhelmed with the sheer amount of change that's happened in the last several months that I just stare blankly at my laptop for a few minutes before closing it.

Where do I even start? How do I even attempt to do this story justice?

 Good news for you guys: I'm exhausted today and exhaustion is often the cure for my perfectionism (ha!). So here I go:

I love this quote:

 Trust the wait.
Embrace the uncertainty.
 Enjoy the beauty of becoming.
When nothing is certain, anything is possible.
--Mandy Hale

 Earlier this year I was a single, full-time mom living in my Dad's basement. I was working two jobs - one in a urology office (which tested my ability to answer the phones/questions and maintain a professional demeanor on a daily basis haha) and as a singer/songwriter for Deseret Book. I had never dreamed that I'd get a divorce. Never anticipated living in my Dad's basement in my thirties. I was writing for my third album (and struggling through every moment of it). I'd been dating a really nice guy for several months and was thinking we might move forward...when...nope. We broke up.

Dating.

Sucks.

Fast forward to July. Just some random Saturday, doing what I always do...wake up, play with Violet, wonder if/when Dad is going to kick me out of his basement, respond to emails. The usual.

(Just for the record - reading emails/messages is one of my favorite things. Even when I'm super busy and terrible at responding, every single message that I read is like a tiny reassurance that I'm doing the right thing with music. The stories vary - but the main theme is that music helps people connect with God and it's so humbling and fulfilling and beautiful to be just a tiny part of that.)

Anyways.

On this Saturday, one message struck me in particular. This message came from a follower on Facebook - his profile picture showed him with two young boys on his knees. They all looked so sweet and happy...and the message was heartbreaking. The man wrote about losing his wife suddenly and very unexpectedly earlier this year - and thanked me for releasing Lead Kindly Light (a super rough live video release on my Facebook page). That song had meant a lot to him through his grieving process and the arrangement I put together with Stephen Nelson (Gentri) touched him deeply.

I remember staring at his profile picture, looking at the little boys, and wondering why the world has to be so unfair. Who would raise those tiny babies? What did their life look like in the wake of such an unimaginable loss? How does it make sense for God to take a mother of young children? What on earth would *I* do if I knew I was going to die and leave Violet in her infancy? How would this man with his kids ever continue with any shred of normalcy?

I responded with a heartfelt "thank you for your kind message" and told him that stories like his are why I make music...because I know what it feels like to have the rug pulled out from under your faith and endlessly ask a silent God "why?".

I remember shaking my head as I set my phone down and sending up a little prayer for that guy in the picture and his two little boys. I always pray for people who send me messages.

I checked my emails later that day (I don't usually do that - but for some reason I did?) and - much to my surprise - that guy had messaged me again.

It wasn't flirty.

It wasn't awkward.

Just...open.

He had an eight year old. She sings, too, he told me.

"He probably needs a friend," I told myself.

I responded.

He responded.

I responded.

It took me a couple of hours before I realized I had been chatting with him basically all afternoon via Facebook. I couldn't believe it - how on earth was this dude THAT engaging? I felt like I was talking to a friend that I'd known for years. Funny, easy, quick, kind. Emphasis on easy. So easy to talk to him. It was bizarre.

He asked me out.

"Nope." I thought in my brain.

But do you know what my fingers typed..?

"When?" (enter face slap emoji.)

"What's the worst that could happen?" I thought. "I end up falling in love with him and he's emotionally unavailable? Meh. I've had it worse. Besides, he's funny and fun and I *really* like sushi. So."

I told him I had events (and dates! ha!) scheduled for the next two weeks straight except the very next night - so he asked if I could meet in Salt Lake.

I remember walking down the sidewalk to meet him. We'd been texting nonstop. "There's no way he's this handsome and charming in person," I thought.

But you know what?

He was.

Seriously. So handsome and so unbelievably charming.

And...unassuming? Genuine? No pretense...no ego. Just...Jon.

** If you've been dating for any period of time (especially in Utah, IMO) then you understand how indescribably refreshing that kind of attitude and approach is. **

By the end of the night he told me to cancel all of my other dates for that week and just go out with him instead.

I laughed.

He wasn't joking.

I told him no way because I'm a normal human who doesn't just stop dating other humans who I've been dating and have relationships with just because I meet someone who seems perfect for me because I'm way too cynical to believe that anyone actually IS perfect for me.

ESPECIALLY after one date.

I went out on four other dates that week (Jon snuck in a lunch date haha).

By that Friday, I just couldn't do it anymore.

I didn't want to date anyone else. He knew it. I knew it.

I just wanted to date Jon.

(Please feel free to throw up now. I throw up when I read peoples' stories that go like this. My brain yells,"THIS KIND OF STUFF DOESN'T HAPPEN. IT JUST DOESN'T. DATING IS AWFUL AND PEOPLE ARE THE WORST AND JUST NO. NOPE. NO." and I roll my eyes until they're falling out of my head. Go ahead and do it. I won't be offended.)

Things escalated so quickly. All of the rules I've had for myself about dating - the hard and fast "date for a year before engagement" went *right* out the window. I met his kids. He met Vi. I actually met his whole family. I met his deceased wife's family. Meeting her Mom and getting a huge, warm hug and a "I'm so happy to meet you" whispered in my ear will remain one of the most surreal experiences of my life. I met her sisters. He met mine.

Every single time I'd start freaking out because of the endlessly unknowable things involved here - a calm, quiet reassurance would come into my heart.

There are so many stories I could tell. I probably will tell them eventually haha - because I can't NOT tell you guys things. Things like...how welcoming, loving, and accepting this entire family has been. It's shocking. My brain can hardly comprehend it. Things like how it took less than 6 days for our sealing approval to come back once it was submitted (I guess this generally takes 6 weeks to 6 months??). Things like how I have an almost 2-year old who readily calls me Mama, and a crew of siblings who encourage her to, even when they still choose to call me Calee most of the time. Things like how the perfect house fell into our laps, our wedding happened seamlessly in the middle of an insanely busy season, we've had answered prayers and love and support from so many people and sources that it's felt like I've been floating for six months straight (full disclosure: Jon is buoyancy incarnate - and has lifted me each time my heart and/or brain get a little sideways in all of this).

I'll end with just this one (because I'm tired and need to go to sleep bc you all *know* V is going to wake this whole house up at 5:30AM). One of the earliest experiences I had with the kiddos that I now call my own:

The first time we went to church together, I was nervous. Going to church together is a big deal in my world - and we had all of the kids and I was half expecting it to go so horribly that we'd just break up and never speak again afterward haha.

About halfway through the service, one of the twin six year old boys (from that original profile picture) was sitting next to me, nestled under my arm.

He looked up and whispered, "Do you know where my Mommy is..?"

My mama heart wrenched inside of my chest as I said,"Yeah, buddy... She's in heaven."

We sat in silence for a moment.

"Do you know who she's with?" I whispered.

"Who?"

"My Mommy," I said. He smiled.

The love that I felt as I looked down at that little boy was so overwhelming that I had to quickly wipe away the tears. A Christian song that I know and love came into my mind and these lyrics rang in my ears:

"Love like a hurricane, I am the tree...
Bending beneath the weight of it's wind and mercy."

That was the perfect way to describe it - the love I felt in that moment. This love. A hurricane. A massive, unquantifiable explosion of love for him. For them. That's what this has felt like for me.

I feel like I've treading water for so long...waiting to feel like I was where God wanted me to be. Aspects of my life have felt like that along the way, you know? Signing with Deseret Book and performing with Time Out for Women has been a big one of those. Having Violet was another. I just knew I was supposed to be having this baby (little did I know the adventure I was setting out on haha). Overall, though? I feel like I've just been...waiting. Waiting for things to fall into place. Working so hard to try to make things happen...dating (ew. dating is the literal worst.), trying to magnify my callings at church, focusing on self-improvement and getting closer to God...and nothing seemed to be happening.

And then all of a sudden? Everything happened.

Everything.

Trust the wait.
Embrace the uncertainty.
Enjoy the beauty of becoming.
When nothing is certain, anything is possible.
--Mandy Hale

xo.

True Story

I have a plethora of embarrassing stories, you guys.

A PLETHORA.

("...do you know...what a 'plethora' is..?" - movie trivia!)

I like to share them with you because you seem to enjoy them and that makes me happy.

Ready for your next installment?

Here ya go:

Once upon a time I was asked to sing in stake conference. I was in my early twenties (not endowed) and I sang frequently for things like that...so I wasn't super worried about it.

Day of, however? Super nervous.

So nervous, in fact, that I found myself frantically fighting with the zipper on my pencil skirt in the bathroom just a few minutes before I was supposed to sing (much like my last-minute bathroom fiasco when I dunked my dress in the toilet right before leading stake choir - remember that little jewel of a tale?!). After hearing a little "pop!" from the general area of the zipper, I decided to forego the unzipping of said skirt and rushed out of the bathroom.

I tried to look nonchalant as I waltzed into the chapel and onto the stand.

I got up.

I sang.

I sat down.

I remember glancing over at my sister after I finished singing like I always do (she was accompanying me for that performance), and her face...it was super awkward. She looked like she really wanted to tell me something, but she was sitting at the piano and too far away for me to chit chat with. 'Did I sound bad or something..??' I wondered.

After the meeting, I got up and began making my way off the stand to say hi to people.

I felt my sister's hand on my arm and she began yanking me toward the side door - telling me to not talk to anyone and to just get out of there ASAP. I was SUPER confused at this point.

'What the heck, Kristina?! Why are you depriving me of the chance to say hi to everyone in the stake right now!? RUDE.' = inner me.

We got out to the parking lot and she breathlessly said something like,"CAN'T YOU FEEL THAT?!"

I'm sure my response was something witty like: "...[blank stare]..."

I can't remember if she pointed it out, or if I simply reached back and FELT FOR MYSELF what she was talking about...

...but...you guys...

that "pop!" I had heard in the bathroom...?

...the one that happened right before I wandered in to stake conference..?

...and down the aisle and up the stairs...and onto the stand...and in front of the stake presidency...?

Yeah. That was the sound of my zipper popping OPEN.

Popping open and revealing what can only be described as straight gluteus glory.

In plain sight of all the nice people who watched me waltz in late to that meeting.

At eye level of the poor men sitting behind me as I sang.

I honestly cringe at this story still. AHHHHHHHHHHHAKCMIENSIRNGSINLSZCLKZME.

So, so embarrassing.

ACK!!

OHHH IT'S JUST SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

But you KNOW WHAT?! I survived.

I survived unintentionally flashing an entire stake conference full of people including the leaders of my local congregation.

I'm even surviving the PTSD flashbacks that are washing over me as I type this haha. AAAAAAACK!!!

I hope that whatever embarrassing/awkward thing that's threatened to take you down recently feels a little less horrifying after reading my story.

If nothing else, you are not alone...and sometimes that's enough.



That is all.




xo.