I don't think it was coincidental that the title of the page is "God's Plan For You" with Proverbs 3:6 beneath it. Vi was turning 1 and was smack dab in the middle of her battle with reflux with no relief in sight for the constant night wakings/screaming. My marriage was on the rocks and I didn't know how to deal with it or talk about it...I wasn't sure how much of our struggle I should share (even with my closest family and/or friends). I had just spent the weekend feeling spiritually fed and uplifted and happy, and was now on my way back home to the battlefield...and I felt so tired about it. Have you ever felt like that..?
There are certain things I've always known. I feel like I've always known that God is real. Even when I struggled believing it when Mom was so sick with cancer, I just always knew. I think that's a part of what made everything during that time so horrible, you know? I knew God could fix it...He just didn't. He wouldn't.
Another thing I think I've always known is that God loves us...which has often left me asking,"Why?"
"Why is this so hard?" ←I'm not talking about normal, everyday kind of hard. Not the kind of hard that makes you frustrated and upset for a few days or weeks. The kind of hard that doesn't have a foreseeable end. The kind of hard that just goes on and on and on. Why is life THAT hard sometimes..?
*or*
"Why is this happening to me?"
"When will it get easier?"
"How do I get through this without becoming bitter and jaded and a crazy, nightmare mess of a human?"
I get that God needs us to be refined, you know? Trials and challenges push and stretch and shape us into better people (ideally). I get that pain and hurt can do that for us. But knowing that's true, and allowing that knowledge to comfort you while things are painful and awful are two very different things.
As I sat there on that airplane, I thought about the things that I knew(/know) and wondered how I could get that knowledge to relieve more of my pain...I wondered how I could get my faith to swoop in and save me when I found myself and my baby awake, delirious and miserable at 11pm, 12:15am, 1am, 3am, 4:30am, 5:00am. Every.Single. Night.
I wondered how I could fight the urge to blame all of my marital struggles on my husband or our circumstances...how my belief in charity and patience could change from things I felt in my heart to words that came out of my mouth in the middle of hurtful arguments. How my faith could go from theory to reality, you know?
Ultimately, I thought about the kind of believer I wished that I were. I thought about Peter having the faith to step out onto the waves and walk on water to the Savior. That's the kind of belief I wanted to have; enough to walk on water. Enough faith that it would manifest clearly in my life.
I thought about how the scriptures talk about having even a tiny mustard seed of faith - and how even THAT amount of faith would allow us to move mountains. I wished I were more steadfast...less prone to moments of doubt and weakness in the face of hardship. I wished I didn't fight against the struggle and pain so much...I wished it were easier for me to accept life's disappointments.
Those thoughts tumbled around until they came out as a clear set of lyrics - the chorus of what is now the title track of the new album - "Believer". If you look at the journal pic above, you'll see that there were basically no edits in the original lyrics. They just came out that way and stuck in my brain for three years until I sat down with Stephen Nelson (of Gentri) and Anji Mickelson to flesh out the rest of the lyrics and song structure.
I'm so glad that Stephen and Anji saw such potential in that one set of words...so grateful that they felt the power and vulnerability there. I love the message that doubt and fear and pain can motivate us to come closer to God...that we can't fully let God in when we shut those things out of our hearts and minds.
I wonder how many of you reading this are in that space right now; facing challenges that seem to be never ending. I wonder if you've found yourself asking these same things? I hope that if that's you...if that's where you are...that you listen to this song and know that you aren't alone. We all need help believing sometimes. Every, single one of us.
Believer
Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Want the things You want for me
When I'm lost along the way
Help me find patience in the moments when it's hard to see
Your hand guiding me
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
Help me believe
Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Feel the things You feel for me
When the feeling doesn't stay
Help me to see the things I don't want to see
As Your hand showing me
Help me Lord, I pray
O, Lord
Help me believe
Give place to the voice that always questions
Give voice to the pain, the fear, the doubt
Give way to the moments I am faithless
I can't let You in if I shut them out
Help me to be the believe that I want to be
Give the things You've given me
The words You'd have me say
Help me to walk this path that You've set for me
Help me walk with steady feed
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
Help me believe
Help me to be the believer that I want to be
Want the things You want for me
When I'm lost along the way
Help me find patience in the moments when it's hard to see
Your hand guiding me
Help me get out of my own way
O, Lord
O, Lord
Help me believe
PS want to watch a clip from the Q&A from that same TOFG event?? and marvel at my hair transformation over the last four years 🤣?? here you go: click me!
