You know what hurts? Unrequited love.
I remember my first experience with that kind of hurt happened in third grade.
(haha! I actually just snorted laughing at how ridiculous that is! Oh heavens.)
Derek Simper.
He cared more about baseball at recess than he did about marrying me.
(actually I'm not even sure he knew who I was in the third grade. so, in all fairness maybe he WOULD have wanted to marry me if we had, in fact, been properly introduced.)
(see? this is why I blog. I wasn't expecting to make peace with that this morning, at yet here I am.)
Anyways.
It really hurt.
I wanted him to want to talk to me and chase me at recess and think I had pretty hair and tell me my backpack was cool.
He did none of those things. (rude.)
Lest you think that youthful experience with unrequited love was a solitary one confined only to my elementary school years...pick any of my older sister's boyfriends and I promise I felt that with them (except for the few that I ended up dating after her. I'm not sure why. Maybe I just was totally incapable of originality as a teenager? Maybe I just didn't trust my own judgement, so I just decided to like whoever she did? I'm not sure haha but I'm sure it was insanely annoying to her! Sorry, Nik!).
College was the same. Lots of dudes I liked didn't like me.
(who are these men?! did they even have eyeballs in college?!)
You know what I WASN'T expecting, though..?
The weirdness that is loving your children more than they love you.
Especially when that weirdness comes as a result of blending a family.
I had kind of hoped that my earlier blog on this subject would be the beginning and end of my need to talk to about this. Like the summer would just resolve all of the issues involved and it would be put to rest forever and we'd be seamlessly blended by the time the school year started again.
Wouldn't that have been lovely?
I think so, too.
Last week one of the kids was chatting with Violet and the conversation turned to wishing things were the way they were before.
'Before' meaning...before we were a family.
I wasn't there for the convo, so I can't say for certain what exactly was said...but the overall sentiment was that things were somehow better before.
(for clarity's sake: we just had a baby a few weeks ago and everyone is exhausted and running on fumes. I get why this conversation would be coming out in light of how the last month or so has gone. new babies mean the older kids don't get as much attention or exciting parent time...because the parents are usually in survival mode.)
Even knowing all of that ↑, though...hearing that the kids somehow prefer the way that it used to be over how awesome it is now? It made my chest hurt.
I get it. I really do. But it still really, really hurt.
It made me wish for time to fast forward ten years. In ten years from now, we'll have been a family for almost 11 years! Whoa! Hopefully I won't be blogging blogs on this subject anymore (enter nervous smiley emoji with the sweat drop on forehead). We'll have our oldest heading off the college (oooooook I had to take a break for a minute to cry postpartum hormonal tears of sadness thinking about the fourth grader leaving...), and Ava will be rioiweohtoheghuehoeiowiowrqiqhqh
Ok I can't type about how big our kids will be in 10 years because I'm crying too much and I have to finish this blog before Ava needs to eat again.
YOU GET THE PICTURE.
In ten years we'll have had a lot of time to BE together as a family.
But how do I make sure my heart doesn't hurt so much in the next few years of blending that I close off..? Sometimes it feels like I WANT to close off...step back somehow. Protect myself from the uncomfortable comments and unintentionally hurtful comparisons.
I'm not the way that it was. I'm the way it is now.
...and that's hard sometimes - for all of us.
****
When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought about canceling my Time Out for Women/Girls event in Sacramento this last weekend. I knew I'd have a five week old, and that I would be recovering from a c-section (and that recovering from my first c-section was an absolute nightmare). As I prayed about it, though, I felt like everything would be ok...that I should still do it.
I didn't feel particularly nervous about it until a few weeks ago when Ava first came. I looked and felt like I'd been hit by a bus and I wasn't particularly excited about getting up on stage in that condition haha. Again I prayed - and again I felt reassurance that everything would be ok...so I packed up my babe and husband and headed to CA on Friday morning.
The event was wonderful. I only missed my cues to be on stage twice (ha! ugh!!) (in my defense, I was nursing backstage for the second one and was truly caught off guard. my bad, guys.) and even though I was so, unbelievably tired, I felt so grateful to be back. Time Out feels like home in so many ways to me now - and I didn't realize how badly I needed to connect with that feeling.
As I was mulling all of the blending-family/unrequited-love-issues over in my head this morning, I thought of Time Out for Women this weekend in Sacramento. I thought about standing on that stage in front of hundreds of girls (and thousands of women) and testifying that our worth lies in who we are - not what we do (or don't do). I thought about testifying about God's timing...that our hurts and pains and struggles are meant to SANCTIFY us, to perfect us...not to destroy us.
And then I thought about Elder Boyd K Packer teaching us that "a testimony is...found in the bearing of it."
I suddenly felt like my being at Time Out was just for me this weekend. I needed to remember those things. I needed to reconnect with that testimony that I learned and earned through years of struggle and questioning.
Even when I want my kids to love me as much as I love them - to want me and choose me and love me...but they don't? I still have (and will always have) God's love - and that is more than enough. It's ok for them to take their time. It's ok for it to not happen all at once. I am worthy of love, I am good enough, I am loved and seen and known by a God who chooses me every single day.
Even when the struggle of learning how to be a mom to all of my kiddos and this new baby (and try to continue building relationships with new family members and maintain relationships with my original family members and friends and callings and etc etc) feels overwhelming and like I'm failing WAY more than I'm succeeding...
Even when the weight of that failure feels heavy and I want to run away...
Even when all of those things are true/present - I believe that God's timing is perfect, and that all of these things are working together for my good (Romans 8:28).
The hurt? The struggle? It doesn't have to have a quick, easy resolution.
I know how to handle struggle.
And I bet you do, too.
****
I'm putting this blog out in to the universe today because I needed to remember something I already knew. I was forgetting to connect with what I'd already knew; and remembering feels like taking a breath of fresh air. So...maybe...hopefully...reading this will make you take a second to ask yourself what it is that YOU might need to reconnect with. What are the truths you have already learned in your life (that maybe you've forgotten) that could help you face your challenges today?
Sometimes all we want is to see the light at the end of the tunnel, right? To know the end of the struggle is coming soon?
I once read something really profound about the light at the end of the tunnel and wanted to leave it here at the end of this blog to wrap things up (so I googled it, duh). Before I found it, though, I came across these gems that I want to share first:
-The light at the end of the tunnel isn't an illusion; the tunnel is.
-The light at the end of the tunnel is your life; it's the tunnel that's temporary.
-I stopped waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and lit it up myself.
and my favorite:
-The light at the end of the tunnel might be an oncoming train.
(hahahaha just dark enough without being tooooo dark, right? ...right, guys..? ...guys?)
When I finally DID find the quote - I realized it actually doesn't reference a tunnel at all (oops) but it's still awesome:
"I'm not waiting for the sun to shine; the light, it comes from within me." - xan oku
Remember what you know.
Remember that the light comes from within you (a gift from God) when you find yourself in that deep, dark tunnel.
Stay strong, my friends. Have the best Monday. ♡
21 comments :
Oh, if life would allow us to see 10 years down the road to know we are doing SOMETHING right! Hang in there. Blending a family has never been easy, plus a new addition, you have the work before you. But you also have all of us praying for you too. If I know someone is struggling with something I pray just for them, but if not, I always pray for those who need that extra boost with what they are doing, for that sister or brother that is tired, down, sad, stressed. Because there are so many. Thank you for your music, I absolutely love it and it lifts me when I not only hear it but think of it. Happy Monday to you too. Now to go weather this storm approaching, fixing to get the last of supplies we need and then to bake the goodies tomorrow so we can eat more than cold can stuff the rest of the week. Yep, chocolate sounds better than cold cans.
You expect that after enough time has gone by these kids will choose you over their own mother and then all will be right in your world? This is wrong wrong wrong. I encourage you to treat delicate things more delicately. This isn’t just another blog post subject.
This is beautiful. As both a child from a blended family, and as a parent now myself, I'm starting to understand both sides of that familial "unrequited love". I always knew my stepdad loved me, but as a parent you start to see how very little you actually reciprocated as a child. And I think that contrast is especially stark in a blended family. Step parents (not that I am one but I'm just finally realizing) really get the short end of the stick sometimes. But one day they will know just how much you love them, because one day they too will experience Parenthood in all its wonderful, beautiful, heartbreaking glory - and they'll realize you chose them (again and again) even when you didn't have to.
Thanks for sharing what you do. I love reading what you have to say and I'm always uplifted when I leave this space. :)
I was at that TOFW event and you were absolutely needed there. I love hearing about your journey and feel so inspired when you speak. I come from a blended family and I wish I could tell you it was bliss. It wasn’t. I feel bad for my parents who just wanted us to love each other. But with time we did. Now as adults we all stay in touch via Snapchat and group chats. There is no division between blood siblings/step/half. We are just a family. Hang in there!
HOLY CRAP DID YOU EVEN READ THE COMMENTS ON YOUR OTHER POST ABOUT THIS!!! I have never read something so self centered. THEIR MOM DIED. YOU ARE NOT THEIR MOM. You might be a
Mother figure but you will never be their mom. For someone who has lost their mom you would think you would be a little bit more kind to the person who passed away and her family .
I think it’s time to get a journal or maybe a separate private blog to vent your frustrations. I can imagine that your situation is difficult, but this seems like an entirely childish, and self-centered way to view it. Did you honestly expect that a YEAR after their mother died that you would replace her completely?? Of COURSE they want things to go back to the way things were “before.” They miss her and always will. They’re lucky to have someone to fill Jenelle’s earthly shoes, but instead of feeling like you’re competing with a ghost, maybe it’s time to embrace her. You aren’t a victim. This is a roll you CHOSE to take on. This a very selfish way to view your extremely brand new roll as their caregiver. No one can ever replace a Mother. You have very high expectations from very young children who have recently suffered a terrible tragedy. You’ve touched on this subject a few times, so clearly it’s very sensitive. It’s probably time to get some counseling on the issue. This isn’t about you, period.
Isn’t it funny how the negative is signed Anonymous, every one of them. You are doing your best, will be blessed for your best, and knowing in the beginning you were following what the Lord said is right for you will help you through. I did not once feel you were trying to replace their mom, I even reread it. Blended families are hard, not only for those in the direct family but those extended too. When my uncle remarried after my aunt died, she and I were very close, it was hard. I cried. I didn’t want to except it. But as you said, this is the NOW. And I have a good relationship with my new aunt. It is different, but I never expected it to be the same. Just as one friendship is different from every other. Change is hard, but it will work out. I’m a adult and still sometimes wish things were back like they use to be, I just know how to except what is, and pray the Lord will help me when I struggle and really miss my aunt. They are no different and miss their mom. Hang in there.
I love your vulnerability to share your feelings and experiences. Thank you! I don’t think it’s childish or self centered at all. As parents we spend most of our energy thinking about our kids and helping them. But in the end, we have feelings too. You are awesome.
Please reread it, Anonymous. May love and understanding fill your heart.
I think everyone that comments how wonderful this post is maybe a follower or a fan that doesn’t personally know these real children?! Someone that only knows the one side that Calee chooses to portray on social media for those that don’t personally know the situation. How can all of you so called ‘fans’ that only see what she wants you to see, judge others that maybe have been personally involved for their comments?! If any of you women out there passed away, how would you like it if the new mother of YOUR children you left behind, not allow your OWN children, who are your flesh and blood that you birthed, any pictures of you, their OWN mother in “her” new home?!!! Tell me this would be ok for any of you??? To be so jealous and feel so threatened by your husbands deceased wife and the mother of HIS, not your children is a shame. I think if you tried, even tried, to love their mother and honor her and let her still live on as a part of their life, maybe they would love and respect you more!!! You will NEVER replace their mother! And shame on you for even trying!!
I just.. this just makes me kind of sad. My heart hurts so deeply for those kids. They lost their mom. Just a little more then a year ago. I hope they will always wish things were the way they used to be. I can’t imagine them saying “man I’m sure glad my mom died so that I could have a new mom!”, and I know (or just hope) that you will always want them to have that love and longing for their mom. As a mom, I’m sure you can understand that. I get that this situation isn’t fair to you though. I completely get that. It’s gotta be so hard to feel second best to Jenelle, but just know that they do love you. They do need you. But that sometimes they just want their mom and wish she was here, and there is nothing wrong with that ��
That's not how I read it at all. I read it as Calee's hope for her children to still love their birth mother but to love her as well. As a child of a blended family, I can understand that hope. God bless you! ♥
I can't believe how heartless some of these comments are. You accuse Calee's followers of only seeing "her" side like it's some contest? Of course it's horrible and tragic that this family lost their beloved mother. But how great is it that they've so quickly found someone who wants to love them? And how is she being cruel for feeling heartache about the situation they're all trying to work through? Do you really want these sweet babies to never be able to move on because you're still grieving your loss? And do you really think that's what their mom wants for them?
You don’t ever move on from losing your mom. I know firsthand. I lost my mother at a young age. But what does feel good is knowing I can talk about her, having others talk about her, and feeling safe talking about her and learning about her within the walls of my own home growing up without feeling like I was stepping on any toes. Also, these children’s feelings are sacred and don’t need to be plugged into a blog post for them to read down the road. It’s wonderful they have a loving step mother and I validate her feelings but a situation such as this reaches many hearts deeply and some things are better left off the public page.
I think we can all understand that social media posts can be very hurtful and insensitive, especially about such a sensitive and emotional experience. ðŸ˜
I hope those beautiful kids have pictures of their mom in their home.. I know from experience how important it is that they don’t have to ignore the fact that she is their mom, she died, but she loves them with all she has.
Just embrace her, I know how hard it is to blend a family. I have done it and have had my ups and downs. Being the second wife, especially when one has passed away is very challenging. I would change some things if I could go back and have a do over. Those Darling children need you and will love you.. BUT they have two moms, and that is ok. They will always want it back to the way it was, that isn’t reality, but in the long run, all of you will be healthier and happier if you just accept her in their lives..
To the person who suggested that I do not allow photos of their mother in my home, you are mistaken. We DO have photos, speak of her regularly, and it is important to me personally to keep her memory alive in our home.
This post was full of wonderful quotes and inspiration from our Heavenly Father, thank you for sharing those things! I couldn't help be feel the undercurrent of frustration, sadness and perhaps even confusion. There are many comments from anonymous users, mine included. I choose this because I don't know you personally. But I did know Jenelle and do know Jon and those sweet kids. You've offered so much good advice. May I offer you some as well? Always assume the good. Sometimes when I read your posts it feels like your just waiting for another hurtful situation. I have a 5 year old who recently made a very emotional comment about liking things how they 'used to be'. When we actually sat down and discussed it, I found that he missed our old swing set! You can't know for sure how these little kiddos feel about you. And to assume they don't love you as much as you love them is truly unfair! And even, possibly un-Christlike. Hast the Lord urged us to be more like little children? Doesn't he hold them in the highest esteem? Perhaps their little hearts are capable of more love than you know? It's obvious by your need to talk about these same issues repeatedly, that you have some feelings to work through. I'm praying that you will find peace and open yourself up to feeling the love these kids can give you in the way they are able to give it. ❤️
Calee,
I read your follow up to these comments. It’s not “with angry hearts” that you have received these anonymous responses. It’s with hurt hearts.
Jenelle died only a year ago. Hearts are still mending. Those children you BOTH share together, are loved beyond measure. It hurts when you write about them, saying they don’t “chose you”. It sounds as if they don’t like you, or need you. They are 9 and 6. Their hearts are innocent. They actually not only need you- they want you. They love you! Jenelle is their mother who brought them to earth. You are their mother who gets to raise them on this earth. You are a truly blessed mother.
This is Calee’s husband Jon. To say the least I’m appalled at many of the responses to this blog. It seems like many of the comments are written by people who feel like they are close to my family’s situation. If that is the case, I welcome a phone call from any of you anonymous people to reach out to me and discuss anything you’d like. I won’t leave my phone number here because if you don’t have my number or can’t easily get it then maybe you aren’t close enough to us to really understand and don’t know enough about our situation to give such a negative opinion. In any case, I invite you to call me rather than post an annonomys comment.
I will say this,
Calee is an amazing mother and loves all of our 6 children intensely. She talks to the kids almost daily about Jenelle, so often in fact that Vi refers to “mommy Jenelle” as if she’s always known her. She goes out of her way to buy blue Powerade and junior mints to remind them of her favorite candy. She has meals made that were her favorite, flips through books with pictures of her during cuddle time. She talks to them about their memories of her and even types them up for a memory book she is making them. She made care packages with the kids to take to the nurses that took care of Jenelle. She sends flowers to Jenelle’s mother and sisters on hard anniversary days. Having lost her own mother she talks to the kids about their feelings of grief and reminds them it okay to cry and allows them to grieve however they need to. She loves them all dearly....... and some things in this have been hard and that okay too. She has trusted in God through it all and wrote a blog hoping to inspire others to do the same and then was surprised with the reaction from a few. Thank you to all those sent kind messages privately that were uplifted by her blog. She honors the past and has faith in the future. All of in this house are so very lucky.
Jon Adams
I only recently started following you a few months ago upon seeing your CD at Deseret Book. I would like to add that there are “seasons” in everybody’s life and perhaps these comments are allowing you to see that this season is NOT going to be easy. It is supposed to be hard and from what I know of you, you have done hard before. The fact is, we all know HARD. It won’t last forever l, but you also may need to step back, kneel down and ask your Father in Heaven who loves you, IF taking on all these roles is really what is best for you. Being a mother to 4 new children who are grieving in a way none of us will comprehend because they are young and missing their “normal”. But stepping back from producing new songs, traveling with new babies to TOFW or TOFG may be too much right now—and that’s where YOU truly need to decide if you need to make a sacrifice for ALL of your kids. It would be hard but sometimes our dreams happen in different “seasons” of life. I put off my own singing and professional career to adopt (emotionally and financially draining) but I have never looked back with disdain. You do you. But my advice (and that is all it is ) is to make sure YOU are doing what God wants you to do. He knows you best and as a good therapist once told me “don’t run faster than you have strength”. Kids need so much love and so do you—make sure you are all full of love and not feeling depleted because there is too much on your plate. I hope the best for you.
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