I Am Enough

I think God sometimes allows us struggle to force us into asking people for help.

Don't misunderstand me...I'm constantly asking God for help. I would actually really appreciate it if He would just come help me personally every time I pray - instead of sending people to help me. I get so awkward when I need help from people. It's so uncomfortable. Admitting that we need help to anyone other than God somehow feels like we're admitting defeat, or weakness, sometimes, doesn't it?

Writing 'I Am Enough' was one of those situations for me.

Remember the disappointing phone call I had with Bart that prompted me to write "Possible"?

A similar phone call happened several months later - as recording-time was fast approaching. We had chosen songs for the EP, booked the studio, contracted some of my favorite people to play on the record, and were sitting pretty...or so I thought.

As fate would have it, I was tasked with writing a handful of NEW songs for consideration just a few weeks before we were scheduled to cut the album. 

I knew I was going to need  help from someone...and I was absolutely dreading it.

Enter: the incredibly talented and unbelievably kind Justin Cash. (have you heard his music?! do yourself a favor and look him up immediately. and then be his best friend bc you'll seriously never meet a nicer person.) We had never written together before, but I had performed with him on the Time Out for Women tour and - let me tell you - he is bananas talented. He was gracious enough to spend some time and energy helping me get out of my songwriting funk.

After tons of emails and song ideas being bounced around, I sent him the idea for "I Am Enough" as the hook of a song. 

I wanted to write a song based around the idea of being enough because, let's be real, being a woman who really believes she IS enough these days can be challenging, right?? We're sent so many mixed messages about loving who we are but then we're simultaneously taught to never 'settle' - we need to be more confident, more educated, more spiritual, more desired than the next woman. We often base our worth on how we appear physically - whether we're thin and loving it/hating it, super muscular and loving it/hating it, the clothes we wear, the way our make up looks, our hair, shoes, accessories, etc. If we aren't valuing ourselves on how we appear physically, then it's intellectually or financially that we compare, compare, compare all day long - whether we think we're better OR worse than whoever else. 

Guys.

We've got. to. stop. it. 

anyone else out there know what I'm talking about??

*note: I'm 100% guilty of doing this and I try everyday to love myself the way I believe God loves each of His children; not only for myself, but for my daughter who will watch and learn how to love herself based on how I love myself.

After mulling the hook idea over, Justin sent me his brilliant idea for the first verse and chorus. It was exactly what I had wanted to write myself but couldn't make happen on my own. I wrote the second verse and bridge and BOOM. Co-writing success story!

You may think it's kind of ironic that a song about being enough was born from a situation when I definitely needed help and, therefore, wasn't - in fact - enough. Haha. I didn't have enough creativity, I didn't have enough energy...I wasn't able to write that song on my own. 

If you read the lyrics, though, that's kind of what the song is all about: even when we're flawed and failing, we are enough because we are His. God created each of us, and believes in and loves each of us. Because of Him, we ARE enough - no matter how much help we need along the way.

If I was a painting

I would be the kind of painting

That you paint a million times before it's right

Brush strokes on a canvas

It's supposed to be a sunset

But it looks like pink and orange had a fight

But greatness doesn't happen overnight...

I am enough

I am enough

Though I'm far away from perfect

There is more beneath the surface

I'm still rough

But I am enough

I am not yet what I could be

But I'm happy just to be me

I'm enough

If I were a sculpture

I would be the kind of sculpture

That looks really great from three feet further back

Coming closer to me

Imperfection is all that you'd see

Chipped and flawed, but learning to like me like that

I'm not there yet, but I'm on the right track

I am enough

I am enough

Though I'm far away from perfect

There is more beneath the surface

I'm still rough

But I am enough

I am not yet what I could be

But I'm happy just to be me

I'm enough

It might be true - I've still got a little way to go
Some ways to grow
But each day I'm better
I keep a skip in my step walking down the road
Each day try a little more
To remind the woman in the mirror

I'm enough

I am enough

Though I'm far away from perfect

There is more beneath the surface

I'm still rough

But I am enough

I am not yet what I could be

But I'm happy just to be me

I'm enough

You, my friend, are enough. 

If you ever find yourself struggling to feel and believe that you are enough, I invite you to join me in listening to this song on repeat to remind ourselves.

xo.

Living Water

 Living Water music video shoot

Sometimes co-writing isn't super easy. It can be really intimidating to sit down with a stranger (like someone who makes a living by writing music full-time - now, THAT'S talent, folks!) and say, "Hey! I had an idea about a song. It goes like this...[imagine me playing wrong notes on the piano and getting embarrassed and having to start over five times]." Haha. That's how co-writing generally happens in my life. Sounds fun, right?

I had the opportunity to write with Jeremy Christiansen (He wrote "Don't Let Go" on Gentri's latest album!) for Living Water, though, and he made the entire day fun and easy and super productive. He was even kind enough to sing the back-up vocals on the final recording! (His voice is so dreamy, isn't it?!) Sometimes you sit down to write with another musician and everything just...flows. There's a kind of magic in making music with someone who gets your passion and drive. Writing a song about faith, doubt, redemption, and renewal happened organically as we talked about our testimonies and the power of sharing our beliefs through music.

There have been times in my life (like recently) when I've needed divine help. That's actually kind of an understatement - so, let me rephrase: There have been times in my life when I've needed divine intervention...when I've felt like I need more than just a sprinkling of spiritual fulfillment, I've needed a deluge. A monsoon. A raging river of heavenly help to fill me and wash away the doubt and fear and failure I feel. Living Water is a song about the power of the gospel; the way our relationship with God can completely fill us and our needs, IF we invite Him in. When we turn our hearts heavenward and ask in faith, believing that we will receive, He sends us support and strength - sometimes in unexpected ways.

Like a fire, consume my weakness

Burn His message in my soul

Laying bare a new horizon

Where seeds of faith can grow

Hope planted in a thirsty ground

His grace and mercy pouring down

Rushing, living water

Flowing endlessly

Blessed, living water

Oh filling me

Shifting sand below my feet now

As I reach up, He steadies me

As I walk through this desert

Living water is all I need

And when my strength is wearing thin

He sends His spirit pouring in

Rushing, living water

Flowing endlessly

Blessed, living water

Oh filling me

Cleansing water

Healing me

To all who thirst: Come drink it in

And you will never thirst again

Rushing, living water

Flowing endlessly

Blessed, living water

Oh filling me

He is the source of strength that we each need to make it through the challenges of this life. Jesus Christ is our Savior, the foundation of the living water of the gospel, our life-giving, sustaining force.

To all who thirst: Come drink it in, and you will never thirst again.

I believe that with all my heart.

xo.

Sunshine in My Soul

It seems like some mothers are so naturally perfect. I see them on their social media feeds lovingly preparing healthy snacks multiple times a day, planning adorable coordinating outfits, avoiding television and other brain-melting activities. They're beautiful and organized and probably shave their legs.

If I'm being honest, I only occasionally accomplish any of those tasks.

It isn't for lack of trying, though. I DO try. I also fail, though. Lots. And I guess that's just life.

(I realize that my perception of these "naturally perfect" moms probably isn't an accurate reflection of reality. It's like the cosmetic accounts on Instagram that I follow...put the right filter and lighting on something and BOOM. Flawless!) (question: does anyone know where I can find a real-life filter for my face? thanks.)(follow up question: am I the only weirdo who follows cosmetics accounts?! if I could get Anastasia Beverly Hills to be my best friend that would be ideal.) (ok back to my story:)

I write songs for Violet almost everyday. They generally center around whatever activity I'm trying to talk her into at the moment. For example, here's a song that I sang to V tonight:

Hey baby Violet
You are so stinky
Come here and let me change you
You little crazy twinky!

(HEY NOT EVERY SONG IS GOING TO END UP ON AN ALBUM, OK?! STOP JUDGING ME. Ugh. I thought we were friends.)

(I think it's important for you to know that I also do REALLY cool dance moves when I sing her songs like that.) (why am I putting everything in parenthesis tonight!?)

The problem I've run into when I've tried to write serious songs about her, though, is that a lot of our time together has been challenging. If you've read any of the blog posts here from the last year, you know that she's struggled with GERD and, unlike most babies, she hasn't outgrown it. We don't sleep very well at our house, and that means cranky Mom and cranky/sleep-deprived/defiant toddler. It's not always pretty...which makes me feel inadequate and sad as I scroll through my social media feeds seeing the perfect moms I mentioned earlier.

For What Heaven Feels Like, I needed to write a song that captured the JOY of having her in my life while still conveying the struggle of our story. As I sat down with the fabulously talented singer/songwriter Dustin Christiansen and pitched the idea of simply covering Sunshine in My Soul in an updated/upbeat way for the album, he suggested that we weave in stories about Violet into the song itself. Genius!

In no time at all we had written a rough version of what is now Sunshine in My Soul on the EP! As much as I wanted to write a song that would appeal to mothers with children of all ages, I'm happy that it references this toddler stage of her life. The flight of stairs she's always running down, how quickly my exasperation melts away with her little laughs and mischievous face, how much MORE she teaches me everyday just by being alive than I could teach her in a lifetime of planned lessons...even on my darkest days, she brings light and love and laughter into my heart.

Ready set go

She is off and running down

Stairs where she knows

She's not s'posed to go

I reach to scold her

Instead just hold her

She is

She is the sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

I'm hers completely and

She completes me even

Even when it feels like I've lost

all control

My one wish would be

To teach her half

Of what she's teaching me

She is the sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

And there is music in my soul today

And hope and peace and love

And endless praise

Oh and sunshine

Blessed sunshine

When the peaceful, happy moments roll

Like when Jesus shows His smiling face

There is sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

One last thought:

I spent years asking God for this baby. I was afraid that motherhood would never happen for me, and it caused endless amounts of heartache and sadness and frustration in my life. I know there are many women who know exactly what that feels like, and who are carrying that same grief and burden. Can I share with you a talk that helped me immensely when I was right smack dab in the middle of that struggle? Given by an incredible woman who knows this same struggle personally? Here ya go. You are not alone, my friends. You are in company with some of the best women I know.

xo.