Sunshine in My Soul

It seems like some mothers are so naturally perfect. I see them on their social media feeds lovingly preparing healthy snacks multiple times a day, planning adorable coordinating outfits, avoiding television and other brain-melting activities. They're beautiful and organized and probably shave their legs.

If I'm being honest, I only occasionally accomplish any of those tasks.

It isn't for lack of trying, though. I DO try. I also fail, though. Lots. And I guess that's just life.

(I realize that my perception of these "naturally perfect" moms probably isn't an accurate reflection of reality. It's like the cosmetic accounts on Instagram that I follow...put the right filter and lighting on something and BOOM. Flawless!) (question: does anyone know where I can find a real-life filter for my face? thanks.)(follow up question: am I the only weirdo who follows cosmetics accounts?! if I could get Anastasia Beverly Hills to be my best friend that would be ideal.) (ok back to my story:)

I write songs for Violet almost everyday. They generally center around whatever activity I'm trying to talk her into at the moment. For example, here's a song that I sang to V tonight:

Hey baby Violet
You are so stinky
Come here and let me change you
You little crazy twinky!

(HEY NOT EVERY SONG IS GOING TO END UP ON AN ALBUM, OK?! STOP JUDGING ME. Ugh. I thought we were friends.)

(I think it's important for you to know that I also do REALLY cool dance moves when I sing her songs like that.) (why am I putting everything in parenthesis tonight!?)

The problem I've run into when I've tried to write serious songs about her, though, is that a lot of our time together has been challenging. If you've read any of the blog posts here from the last year, you know that she's struggled with GERD and, unlike most babies, she hasn't outgrown it. We don't sleep very well at our house, and that means cranky Mom and cranky/sleep-deprived/defiant toddler. It's not always pretty...which makes me feel inadequate and sad as I scroll through my social media feeds seeing the perfect moms I mentioned earlier.

For What Heaven Feels Like, I needed to write a song that captured the JOY of having her in my life while still conveying the struggle of our story. As I sat down with the fabulously talented singer/songwriter Dustin Christiansen and pitched the idea of simply covering Sunshine in My Soul in an updated/upbeat way for the album, he suggested that we weave in stories about Violet into the song itself. Genius!

In no time at all we had written a rough version of what is now Sunshine in My Soul on the EP! As much as I wanted to write a song that would appeal to mothers with children of all ages, I'm happy that it references this toddler stage of her life. The flight of stairs she's always running down, how quickly my exasperation melts away with her little laughs and mischievous face, how much MORE she teaches me everyday just by being alive than I could teach her in a lifetime of planned lessons...even on my darkest days, she brings light and love and laughter into my heart.

Ready set go

She is off and running down

Stairs where she knows

She's not s'posed to go

I reach to scold her

Instead just hold her

She is

She is the sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

I'm hers completely and

She completes me even

Even when it feels like I've lost

all control

My one wish would be

To teach her half

Of what she's teaching me

She is the sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

And there is music in my soul today

And hope and peace and love

And endless praise

Oh and sunshine

Blessed sunshine

When the peaceful, happy moments roll

Like when Jesus shows His smiling face

There is sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

Oh there's sunshine

Blessed sunshine

She is the sunshine in my soul

One last thought:

I spent years asking God for this baby. I was afraid that motherhood would never happen for me, and it caused endless amounts of heartache and sadness and frustration in my life. I know there are many women who know exactly what that feels like, and who are carrying that same grief and burden. Can I share with you a talk that helped me immensely when I was right smack dab in the middle of that struggle? Given by an incredible woman who knows this same struggle personally? Here ya go. You are not alone, my friends. You are in company with some of the best women I know.

xo.