Sunday, April 7, 2013

The Rest

First: I would like to point out that I am not crying.

Why am I not crying, you ask?

Because my sister is coming to save me from what was quickly becoming a black hole of sleep deprivation, endless fussiness and endless despair. We were planning on heading down to Utah this weekend for sweet Tay's baptism, but after the last few nights? Let's just say that this help couldn't have come at a better time.

Also...this is exactly what Moms are for. Mom would have been here teaching me and helping me and telling me I'm not a huge failure. Cracking inappropriate jokes, cuddling and kissing my baby.

Frick. Right when I said I wasn't crying.

Ok ok ok ok breathe. This isn't going to be a bitter post. This is the rest of Violet's birth story.

I'm sure that bitter 'why isn't my Mom here?' posts will find their way onto this blog...but not right now.


Shaun and Vi went off to the nursery and I got stitched and cleaned up and rolled down to recovery where I kept asking every person within earshot, "WHEN DO I GET TO SEE MY BABY." (said in Will Ferrell's 'voice immodulation' (sp??) character's voice.)

FINALLLLLLY - after like a billion hours (like 30 minutes) - they wheeled me down to the room where my whole family was waiting! After another billion hours (like five minutes) Shaun walked in and right behind him??!?! Da da ta daaaa!! My baby!!

I was so frustrated at how slow and heavy my body was - I wanted to LEAP out of that bed and grab her! The nice nurse helped prop me up and handed that little bundle of blonde hair and chubby cheeks to me. I could barely maneuver myself, let alone poor Violet, so I enlisted the help of one of my sisters to sit her up so I could look at her.

Holy moly, people. If there was ever a question about paternity prior to this child's birth, one look at her little face cleared away ANY doubts. I felt like I was looking at a baby picture of Shaun! All that blonde hair, her eyes and eyebrow shape, her nose, all the way down to that little chin. There's just never been a more precious and wonderful tiny person. Nikki was snapping pictures like crazy and captured the moment I first saw her - I'm crying [again] thinking about that amazing moment. I'll post it here as soon as I get my hands on it!

I felt like I could stare at her all day. I was really happy when the meds started wearing off so I could hold her and cuddle her without feeling like I was about to drop her on the floor. I couldn't believe I was sitting in the hospital with my husband and my baby and my family. It really was a dream coming true - one of my oldest and most wished for dreams.

The next several days were a blur of pain meds, horrible swelling and all night breast feeding extravaganzaaaaas (worst idea ever!!) mixed with so much happiness and fatigue and excitement and anxiety. Family visiting, family leaving, leaving the hospital (which prompted a massive meltdown for both Violet AND me), and figuring things out at home.

For the record: The first ten days of recovering from a c section are NO JOKE. I scarfed narcotics like tic tacs. I demanded refills. I went from looking like a 6 months pregnant gorilla after my surgery (don't ask me why I looked like a gorilla - I just did!!) to looking 3 months pregnant in a matter of days (wooooooo stress = not eating! = weight loss!). I also experienced the most fantastically horrific rollercoaster of hormones and emotions. It was terrifying. I'm actually not sure WHO it was more terrifying for - me or Shaun. I think both of us will be scarred eternally from it.

We also had our battle with jaundice - see earlier post - which we're finally OVER! Victory!

Sweet Vi is now 17 days old! She is getting chunkier everyday and even smiles in her sleep now and then. She loves listening to Daddy's voice and will always turn her head in whatever direction he's speaking from. She likes to eat (and then throw it all up!), but fights sleep like it's her evil nemesis (not my favorite). BUT her  beautiful little face and blue eyes looking up at me - even at 3am - just melts my heart. She is my favorite. She just is.

The hormones and craziness have subsided ever so slightly (in case you were wondering), and I'm continuing to feel more and more like myself every day. My incision still hurts - like someone is burning me with a freaking branding iron! - but I'm down to a couple heavy duty motrin and extra strength tylenol a day instead of handfuls of loritab.

In retrospect, I wish I had spent more time while I was pregnant figuring out the day-to-day routine of having a newborn. Like...what's normal? What's not? What do I want for her? I honestly thought it would just come to me naturally. Like she would just come prepackaged with a little schedule that she'd implement and it would work smashingly for everyone involved and we'd be a happy little family with nothing but giggles and cuddles all around. In reality, trusting a newborn to decide your schedule with no parameters of any kind is basically a death wish. Death to your sanity! Death to your baby's ability to sleep or eat with any kind of regularity!

I didn't know that, though. But I know it now. And hopefully Violet won't be permanently damaged from all the things I DON'T currently know, but that I'll figure out with her (and myself) as the guinea pig(s). I know a lot of this will just come with time and experience - but I really and truly believe that having someone who's done it before to help answer all the questions makes a huge difference. Things I never thought to ask. Like - how often should she be awake? Isn't that random!? I have no idea, though! How much should she be eating? What's the weird yellow eye booger thing all about? How do I bathe her without hurting her?! I'm serious - I feel like I'm either going to drown her or smash her tiny little body every time I give her a bath. It's pretty scary. That's probably why she smells like barf a lot of the time. Well, THAT and she throws up all over everything constantly. Not a good mix.

Anyways. I have about twenty minutes to take a quick shower before baby girl wakes up and needs a snack. I go.


Unknown said...

Oh Calee you are doing just fine. YOU won't break her and it own't hurt her to cry a bit if she has to. Remember all this will dim as you will again be pregnant and go through this again. BUT the reward at the end is so worth it! Sleep when she sleeps and everything can wait. Love you JO Dee

janyce said...

Calee, EVERY new mom feels like this, just know you have lots of moms advice to get you thru the rough spots, you are loved, jany

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