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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Bitter - and happy about it

I've always been the kind of person that gives others the benefit of the doubt. Especially people I love. I think it's easier to trust someone than to not trust, at least until they've done something that deserves change on your part. Why assume someone is lying? If they do end up lying, that is their fault for being dishonest rather than yours for believing them.

Stupid way to think? Normal? I don't know. It's just the way I am and have been.

It's gotten to the point lately, however, that rather than place the blame on someone else, I'll carry it on my shoulders. Well if I had done this differently, or that. Maybe he was driven to do this, I didn't really leave a choice in the matter... blah blah. I have found myself over-analyzing things again and again just so I can find some kind of noble explanation for his actions that seem terrible on the outside but can't possibly really be that way... right?

WRONG.

I've reached a new mental ground. It seems weird that this would be hard, but it's the truth. It's taken work for me to let go of the hope of the person he could be. Just because someone has that potential doesn't mean that's what they are. People have agency. If they make bad choices, it doesn't matter how far they CAN go, because they just won't. No matter how much you wish they would.

I have been wronged, and that's okay. I'm angry and irritated and frustrated at the unfairness of his choices, and it's refreshing. I think it is a necessary part of the healing process to feel anger and place blame where blame is due. The only thing I can be faulted for is that I loved too much, too blindly. Gave too much of myself to something that wasn't real.

And you know what? It feels nice. I did what I could. I am not the one with the problem here. I'm not the one who should be apologizing or trying to change. I did what I could and I'm content to close the door, end the story on that note.

It's like a breath of fresh air.

And I'm not going to let it stop me from trusting again in the future. Trusting him? You bet your schroeder-sized booty that that won't happen. But trusting others that come into my life? I think it will come fairly easily. And one day I'll find someone who deserves it.

1 comment :

The Wattson Family said...

Well done. Let the healing begin:) It's funny, I was reading your entry and listening to August Rush's Rhapsody and the timing was too perfect. The dawning of realization and resolution...perfect:)

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