Friday, January 11, 2013

Truth Time

I'm hoping that by writing this and sending it out into the universe I'll experience some kind of catharsis. Ok. Deep breath, here goes:

I feel super nervous right now.

For a fireside I'm doing.

In three weeks.

Is that crazy? No? Well, would it be crazy if I told you I've been nervous about it since it was scheduled - which was like six months ago..? And that I experience the same nerves for every fireside I do, from the moment it's scheduled until the moment I say "Amen" at the very end?

It's such a hard mix of emotions. I LOVE love love getting the chance to share some of my story, my experiences, my testimony and music with people. It makes me so happy to have even just one person come up after and say they felt the Spirit, or uplifted somehow, or enjoyed what I did/said/sang/whatever. Working with Deseret has been the best and most fulfilling "job" I've ever had - hands down. On the flip side, I feel a LOT of pressure...pressure to be prepared enough, entertaining enough, to say the right things/what that group needs to hear, to sing perfectly, to keep everyone's attention. It keeps me awake at night sometimes...just thinking about (let's be real - WORRYING about haha...) what I need to do.

There aren't words to explain how humbled and blessed I feel that Heavenly Father has given me such an amazing opportunity. I just wish I wasn't so darn AFRAID! I wish it was all sunshine and roses and not being able to WAIT to do more! Instead of this sinking, miserable anxiety that finds its way into my chest and squeezes and squeezes until all I feel is afraid.

In my brain I know that God has my back and will help me/support me. I feel like He's behind this whole Deseret adventure, and that when I stand up at a pulpit to speak or sing I'm delivering His message in my own way and with my own words/music. It's funny to think that I've performed my whole life and I still get afraid. More than butterflies, more than just the day of. Why is that..?

I'm not planning on quitting Christian music anytime soon - which will include firesides! - so I've just got to find a way to manage these negative feelings better.

What do you guys do when you're feeling stressed about an upcoming job/performance/etc? How do you tune out the adversary when he's whispering that you're just not good enough? Or that you're bound to fail somehow?

Ready? Go.


Melody said...

I hear ya. Played the piano all my life, and I still get anxiety before I play for people. Got a degree in Speech Comm, and I still get anxiety every time before I give a talk.

Find your own special way to not go crazy! I practice, a lot. And I pray, a lot. And I vacuum, a lot. (When I'm stressed about something big, my house is immaculate.)

I try to visualize myself being successful and focus on that. The hardest part is trying to tune out negative self talk, especially before bed. On really bad nights my cocktail for that is taking a bath/shower, then lotioning myself all over, then laying in bed listening to relaxing music on my iPod while reading the Ensign. That last part sounds really churchy, but the Ensign is easy reading that is comforting and seems to help me forget myself.

Many times I add stretching and a heating pad into the equation which is also comforting. I don't like how high maintenance this comment makes me sound. I hope nobody else reads it. ;)

Calee said...

Haha you're one of like three people who read this blog - so I think your high maintenance response is probably pretty safe from mass public judgement :)

I appreciate how honest you are. It's frustrating when someone says, "Just get over it!" or "Don't think about it!" And I'm like..."Uh...does that REALLY WORK FOR ANYONE EVER?!"

So thanks :)

Katie said...

I actually make myself feel better by thinking about the worst possible scenario and figuring out what I would do to handle that situation. Like when I sang a few weeks ago I thought about what would happen if my voice cracked really badly or if I forgot words or lost my place and realized that even if something like that happened I would get through it the best I could and that everyone would still thank me and maybe laugh with me when I talked about it and would still say I sounded great. Imagining how everyone would react if the worst happened makes me realize that I'd be okay and everyone would get over it and still appreciate the effort and that makes me feel better. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? It's really not that bad is it? Maybe that could take some pressure off.
p.s. Melody you are so high maintenance how were we ever friends ;)

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