A Little Perspective

Having a bad day? Read this story. Maybe it will make you laugh and think, "Well...at least THOSE things didn't happen to me!"

The Most Embarrassing Day Ever

by Calee Reed

*WARNING: This story is fairly uncomfortable and downright gross at times - which, I think, makes it pretty funny.*

*Read at your own risk.*

Shortly after Shaun and I got married I came down with a terrible cold. I mean...it was BAD. My throat was so sore and my cough was so intense that my voice went completely away. Fevers, chills, congestion, you name it. It was not fun. 

Pretty romantic, right? Just the way every new bride wants to look/feel as a newlywed? Let's just say I was REALLY glad we had dated for so long before we got married, so he didn't feel tempted to leave me right then and there..

It must've been on my third or fourth day of being sick that I decided to go to the store because I needed more medicine and my husband (who had been kept awake for nights on end by my incessant coughing) was at school all day. So I pep-talked my way out of bed, pulled a hat down over my blotchy, un-makeup-ed face and set out for the store. 

Not too bad yet, right? Here comes the good part.

Once in the check out line at the store, I started coughing. The kind of coughing where you wonder if you'll ever be able to stop because your throat is itching and on fire and you can't breathe. Like...people three lines over were looking that's how loud and raspy and horrific it was. And I didn't have a voice (lost it, remember?) so I couldn't explain to the check out lady that I was fine and just needed to get outta there. So employees started to ask me if I'm ok and do I need help and am I going to die!? (haha ok no one asked me that last one, but still.) As I try to see through the tears that have started pouring down my cheeks due to the coughing fit, and as I'm surrounded by concerned employees and curious shoppers, I PEE MY PANTS.

Right there. In Broulim's. Amazing. THAT'S HOW HARD I WAS COUGHING, PEOPLE. Who does that?! Soo then I started laughing - which, have you ever heard someone with laryngitis laugh?? the sound is truly grotesque - while coughing and peeing...it was all just...wow.

You think that's the end?? NOT EVEN CLOSE.

After stumbling out of the store and bolting for my car as quickly as my weak, sickly legs could carry me, I felt another coughing attack coming on. This time, instead of peeing myself (which would've been impressive to manage to do again), I THREW UP. In the parking lot. In the middle of the day. In the middle of the lane. One nice old man asked if I needed help and I'm sure he thought I was SO rude for not saying anything to him (I was TRYING to say I was fine, but...once again, no voice), but all I wanted to do was get home and never, ever leave my apartment again. Ever.

When I got home, I turned on the shower and started texting my sisters about how unbelievable the last hour of my life had been. I love that my sisters and I can laugh about things like that - and believe you me...we laughed a LOT about this specific chain of events. I didn't lock the door to the bathroom because...well, why would I? Without going into too much detail, I used the bathroom right before I went to get into the shower...and, just as I thought my humiliation was complete and that I couldn't be MORE embarrassed than I had been earlier at Broulim's... my new husband walked into our apartment and called out, "Calee? I need to ask you something can I come in?" I quickly tried to reach the bathroom door fast enough to lock it, while croaking/whispering,"No!! NO! Don't come in!!!" But...AGAIN...NO VOICE. So, my brand new husband (who I was trying my very hardest to be attractive and perfect for) walked in on me using the bathroom, as I was halfway to the door, in a state of complete disarray. 

That's when I knew. 

I knew that day could not possibly get ANY more embarrassing than it had been.  

And it didn't. (THANK HEAVENS.)

And now I have a funny memory of a terrible day that helps give me perspective when my hips and back are sore, or I can't sleep because my legs are restless, or I have heartburn or congestion or any other pregnancy symptoms. Because, after all, I didn't pee my pants in public today...nor did I throw up in a parking lot...and my husband did not walk in on me in unflattering (to say the least) circumstances.

So...hopefully that funny/terrible/embarrassing day helps you and your perspective, too :)

xo -