Post Tramautic Stress Disorder

That's the name of my playlist I made the other day. I thought it was quite fitting. I'm still accepting contributions, so feel free to suggest. It's already helped a ton - there as been a lot of dancing and singing wrong words very loudly in my car this week. Ha ha. Love it.

I'm feeling really under-the-weather and I'm not at work today. Something about being sanitary and not spreading germs or something. LAME. So I have time to blog. But my brain is fuzzy so I don't have much to blog about. 

Let's just go with this - Dating is hard. Especially after you've felt what it's like to just be with somebody and feel grateful you don't have to date anymore. And then get thrown back in? It blooows. I used to be such a gamer! I could flirt with the best of them. I'm so not that way anymore!! I think I'm a little too honest and open. You're supposed to be all sly and closed and keep 'em guessing. Totally not me. 

Nikki's blog has all these little happy married women talking about sex and how hard it is to keep your husband happy and have those moments of emotional connection. Guess what, people? At least it's an option for you! I think they should all step back a minute and be so grateful that at the end of the day, their best friend is in their bed with them. And they don't have to sit and look at a text message and try to figure out what it really means, or if you're being too forward for texting back too quickly, or heaven knows whatever other dating rules there are. I don't even know the rules. So stupid.

I am a rules-less dater. If you can't hang with that - move along, my friends.

Also - I'd like to apologize for all of the poor boys who ever got caught up in the dating net of pre-Jan Kristina. I was such a playing, gaming, silly, nightmare. And I am feeling your pain right now. Everyone that gets post-Jan Kristina? Maybe you should send him a thank you note. He has made your kristina-dating-experiences much more pleasant, with much fewer headaches.

Which reminds me. I have a killer headache right now. I'm going back to bed. 

-Kristina

P.s. I'm coming back to Utah to play next weekend. Call me and we'll make plans. Or am I not supposed to say that? I'm supposed to just hint slightly and tease with a little winky face like this ;). 

Oh puh-lease.

Dear Kristina:

Remember that one time you called me and asked if I wanted to go to the UK with you? And so we booked our tickets that day and had one of the bombest trips ever?

Remember when we lived in the same house but only saw each other late at night to catch up on House, So You Think You Can Dance, or Grey's?

Remember when our entire social sphere was made up of Mom, Tucker, and occasionally Amber?

Remember when all the boys were named Jason, and all the girls were named BRITTANY??

Just wondering. Thanks for letting me sit on your lap at the Grey's on Sunday night.

Love you. -Calee

p.s. Brooke, Nikki, Sam & the girls: come visit immediately. thanks.

Happiness is Long Hair.

Soooo anyone who knows me well, knows that I frequently have nightmares. When I say frequently, I mean every night. Every now and then, however, I'll stumble across a good dream (hallelujah!) and bask in it's glow until another REM cycle hits and the trauma starts all over again.

In tracking my dreams (to try to solve the mystery behind all the unpleasant ones), I've run across something interesting/entertaining about my GOOD dreams: I ALWAYS have long hair! Flowing, blonde locks cascading around me like a halo (aaand I'm typically in a wedding dress haha).

Now, if you know me - you know that I've had a VERY difficult time leaving my hair alone the past few years. I'm always coloring it, lightening it, chopping it off, adding extensions, coloring it again, etc... which makes growing it out EXCEPTIONALLY difficult. So I pretty much attributed the long hair/happiness correlation to my subconscious telling me that happiness is/will be exceptionally difficult to attain.

This morning I woke up a little early (odd), and decided to put a little wave in my hair and wear it down. I had to sprint out of the house because - shockingly - I was late after curling it SO I didn't have time to really look at it. Wow this post is really long I'm realizing...

Anyways. This is what I saw in the mirror after arriving at work this morning:

It's GROWN!! And it's looking surprisingly familiar...all that's missing at this point is maybe another inch or two aaaand the wedding dress...haha

That means I have another 3-4 months, and happiness is MINE!! Woo! Wish me luck :)

Today is a Blah day

I said earlier that I've been having good constants with bad moments every once in a while - which is really a relief from the opposite situation. 

I'm having one of those blah moments today though. I had another nightmare last night and it just has me in the strangest mood. 

My heart is tired. And my insides feel a little lonely.  

and I know that you had a hard weekend. And normally I would feel a little vindicated and hope that hard weekend made you miss me more and feel stupid for not having me there to support you. 

But I don't feel that way. 

I just feel sad for you. And sad for us. 

We were thinking about getting married this weekend while you had a break. Isn't that weird? Instead we will both be going on dates with strangers, pretending like we are normal.

Not that I would change it. I'm glad we aren't getting married. It's just a really sad story. 

That's all.

And by the way - I am normal. I just have not normal moments like this one. How nice that they are simply moments. I don't think you are there yet. I don't think you'll be there for a long time, actually.

I'm going to make a new playlist to get me out of this funk. Any suggestions? I need fun songs that I can dance to in my car while I drive to work.

Thanks.

-Kristina

Give said the little stream

Pickle brains, my delightful sister, is having a giveaway on her blog - have-joy.blogspot.com. 

And I want it. 

 

Doesn't that look delicious?

I might share with you when I win. Or I might not. Who knows?

Last night was very NORMAL and RELAXING and NICE. Whew. I have definitely turned a corner. I don't know how long the street is that I just turned onto, but that's okay. It's really nice to be there at the moment.

Busy Busy Busy

I am so busy. And so loving it. Having full days keeps everything running smoothly and a smile on my face! I just don't even really have time to think long enough to stress about anything. 

Thank heavens!!!! 

 I was going to write a full blog right now but I am honestly just tired and all I want to do is watch The Office and Grey's Anatomy. So that's what I'm going to do. 

Oh and I can't wait for tomorrow night. :) Details later. 

-Kristina


P.s. I am feeling pretty. dang. good. about some things that have been happening lately. Just FYI. :)

I'm Alive.

Woo! I'm alive! Here's what's happening in Calee's life (in case you were wondering):

1. I've been eating lots of delicious food. I love cold meatballs, meatloaf, pizza, and spaghetti for breakfast.

2. I've been wondering WHY ON EARTH it costs so much to fly to IDAHO FALLS. $450?? Seriously?? Flip.

3. I've been listening to Shaun's ipod religiously at the gym. He has these sweet Nike ear buds with little arms attached to keep them from flying off your head when you run/do cardio. He's mad. I'm feeling more in love with running than ever, though :) Thanks for leaving your ipod in Kristina's car <3.

4. I've been reading a book called The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. I really like it. Thanks for the book, Brooke :)

5. I've discovered that Diet Pepsi tastes like dirt. Does that stop me from drinking one everyday? Of course not.

6. I've become a complete stalker of wedding/engagement photos - facebook, myspace, blogs, whatever. I don't discriminate. I've even gone so far as to ADD people I've never MET on facebook (sometimes they're not even friends of friends...it's just sad) so I can look at their wedding photos because their profile pic is cute. Haha you'd be surprised at how many people will just add without knowing/caring who I am. Thank you for the trust & access, new friends!

7. I've been counting down days to November 25th. GET HERE. Thanks.

Work, school, taking Tucker to the park, doing hair here & there...the usual.

P.S. Does anyone want/need their hair done? Sometimes I miss doing hair everyday. Maybe I should do a giveaway? Maybe a partial? Thoughts?

P.P.S. I am REALLY excited for the following things: Amber's birthday this weekend, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Shaun's birthday, Christmas. The end.

Sunshine in the Soul!

Some days I wake up and feel so dang good!

It was a good weekend. No, a great weekend. I can't help but feel like things are on the upswing for me, and that is enough to make me smile. It has been gorgeous here in San Diego, birds are literally chirping outside of my window right now, life is good. 

We saw the Cougs win on Saturday. (Point of interest: The only two games I've attended this year have also been the only two games that the Sackmaster has managed to live up to his nickname. Interesting.) 

Brookie is coming this week - hopefully tonight! So fun, so needed. She is one of my favorite people in this world. 

Church was great. Choir was great, and the piano is hard enough that I'm going to have to practice. What the heck! It's about time I had to put on my big girl pants and play something out of my comfort zone. 

Going to UCLA tonight for a lovely dinner with a person who thinks I am lovely. 

Tucker is still just as cute as ever. He is snuggled up next to me right now in an adorable little maneuver which somehow allows his feet to be on top of his face. 

Saw the old in-laws after the game. Is it silly to think of them as that? Perhaps they weren't legally my in-laws, but it felt that way. Turns out it was much better to see them than it was to see him. Interesting, yet again. Lots of hugs and cheek-kisses, a few tears here and there. Overall a lot of love and kindness. 

I talked to the ex-roomie Ashley for a whopping 2.5 hours on the phone on Saturday. Bless you, free weekend minutes. Love that girl. She is hilariously awesome.  I just want her to get pregnant already. ha ha. :)

....

And I may or may not have gone on the best date I've been on since the break up. 

<3

Thank you, world, for being so sunshine-y and bright this weekend. It was definitely appreciated. 

-Kristina

Mission...

Have I decided yet? 

No. 

But I just got my papers. (Yes, we will e-file once/if they're completed!)

Yep. I got 'em.

The happs

I don't have time really to blog. Here are my random recent photos from my phone.

The rainbow that God made just for me. I was having a lousy day and He knew I needed it.

This is the story I have definitely been avoiding telling you. We may or may not have run out of gas 3/4 of a mile from St. George. A kind old man with brand new knees picked us up from the side of the freeway and told us he didn't have to watch conference now since he did a good deed.

Cute cute Tucker with his head out the window. He stands up on the seat so he can reach, because if I open it any wider he will jump away to freedom and certain death.

Miss the Pads already. The Dodgers? Really???? Ugh sometimes I hate baseball.

Okay. Back to work for Kristina. Have a good day friends. Did you find my prince yet?

-- Post From Kristina's iPhone

I'm a Damsel in Distress

Everyone goes through different phases. Usually I am really independent, strong-willed, probably even stubborn, etc. Especially being now-single, my initial reaction was to be a bit of a man-hater and be on my own and fine on my own for a long while.

That phase did not last long.

I am officially in damsel in distress mode. I want a big handsome prince to come save me from my misery and sweep me off my feet. So random. So retarded. So completely taking over my brain.

I even had a dream about it last night. One of my Provo man friends was in my dream, literally sweeping me off my feet and saying romantic things and whispering sweet nothings about commitment. For real.

We may have even shared a cheesey love movie kiss as we rode off into the sunset. I had to laugh at myself this morning as I texted him the story and told him that unfortunately we wouldn't ever be able to kiss in real life now as it would only be a disappointment after the moment we shared in my subconscious last night.

Moral of the story: I have completely lost my mind. I mean seriously, sandman? That's the kind of dream you are placing in my brain right now? I am so special.

But if you happen to know any handsome princes, send them my way.

I'm dead serious right now.

-Kristina

-- Post From Kristina's iPhone

Finding Answers

Warning: This is a spiritual post. And long. If you're not interested, move along! Otherwise - I'd love to share my recent spiritual findings with you.

I've been having the hardest time lately receiving and then TRUSTING answers to my prayers. Everyone knows my whole recent-breakup situation, and yes I talk about it all the time. Sorry! But it's just a big part of my life right now. One of the things that shook me the very most about that break up was that I honestly believed that I had received an answer from God, confirming to me the things that I had decided, and telling me it was the right choice and the best direction to go. 

So I moved forward with it. I put my heart in a vulnerable place and put my future in somebody else's hands. And now suddenly my entire life is on a different course and I've been hurt really deeply, and everything that I thought was so right is apparently so wrong. It feels like one big betrayal. Not only from my potential partner, but also my own feelings and thoughts that I had interpreted as answers to prayer. 

It has been a really confusing and difficult time for me. I've had a lot of heart-to-hearts with the Lord - I know that He is the only person I can ever fully trust, but there's a part of me that feels like my connection with Him has been obstructed somehow, since I apparently received some misguided instruction. Does that make any sense at all? Probably not - I have just over-thought this so many times by now. It makes sense to me. Ha ha. 

Either way, here I am in this situation now. And it's time for me to make decisions about what direction I'm going and where I want my life to be. But I am crippled by this fear of making bad decisions! Even when I felt like I did everything I could to know, made a decision, received a confirmation, and then had the faith to act - it blew up in my face. How frustrating. 

So I've been really trying to rediscover the way that I receive answers, and reidentify what a prompting looks and feels like to me personally. Elder Scott's talk on Saturday morning during General Conference was so dead on. I went to conference with my list of questions ready, and this situation circled as such a huge issue that I want some guidance on. And this was the very first talk! It was an incredible moment for me.  

"Have patience as you are perfecting your ability to be led by the Spirit. By careful practice, through the application of correct principles, and by being sensitive to the feelings that come, you will gain spiritual guidance. I bear witness that the Lord, through the Holy Ghost, can speak to your mind and heart. Sometimes the impressions are just general feelings. Sometimes the direction comes so clearly and so unmistakably that it can be written down like spiritual dictation.⁴ 

I bear solemn witness that as you pray with all the fervor of your soul with humility and gratitude, you can learn to be consistently guided by the Holy Spirit in all aspects of your life. I have confirmed the truthfulness of that principle in the crucible of my own life. I testify that you can personally learn to master the principles of being guided by the Spirit. That way, the Savior can guide you to resolve challenges of life and enjoy great peace and happiness." - Elder Scott (For full talk, click here)

I am happy to report a small victory that happened yesterday in Sacrament Meeting. A new friend of mine had her baptism last week, and was able to be confirmed in church yesterday. During the Sacrament, I had a thought and leaned over to ask my dad how long Diana had to wait until she could go to the temple to do baptisms with me. He said she could go tomorrow, if she wanted. I just made a mental note, that I should invite her to come with me when I go this week. I didn't write it down as a prompting, I didn't think anything of it. 

Until after church, when the Elders stopped me to say hi. Partway through our conversation one of them stopped, and looked at me for a minute. Then he said, "Hey, I don't know if you'd be willing to do this - but how would you feel about taking Diana with you to do temple baptisms this week?" I told him that I had thought that very same thing myself! 

I could've done a cartwheel out the door that day. You might think that was a coincidence, but I promise it wasn't. Neither of us had that thought on our own that day - it was the Spirit. And that was Heavenly Father's way of saying, "KRISTINA - THIS IS WHAT A PROMPTING FEELS LIKE. REMEMBER?" 

Yes, I do remember. And it is so good! Just a little tiny step toward my goal, but I am feeling so good about it.  

I'm going to go do a cartwheel now. Have a good day! 

-Kristina

I shouldn't be eating this...

Soo I'm dating a boy who goes to college in Idaho. Who's idea was this, you ask? NO IDEA. Bleh.

The other day I was at Costco and I ran across some snack-ish, easy to prepare/tote around food items (individual packets of mac 'n cheese, granola bars, small sleeves of Oreos, etc...) so I thought ' I'll send a care package! Oo I am the sweetest, most thoughtful girlfriend ever.'

Keep in mind, I was at COSTCO...what do we know about Costco? B-U-L-K.

Note to self: Anything purchased at Costco has to be opened and divided before being added to any kind of care package that costs under $100 to ship.

What's the big deal? Well...now I have all these yummy snacks that didn't fit in the package just SITTING around me at my desk! I thought maybe I'd just save myself some money on lunch and eat mac and cheese for a little while, right? Just until it's gone? UMM NO. I've been going out to eat (like today w Amber - yumm!) AND THEN eating mac and cheese when I get back in the office just because it TASTES SO GOOD.

At least the granola bars are only 100 calories each.

Too bad I ate like five yesterday.

And the Oreos?? Don't even get me started.

I'm Freaky Weird

Before you read this, be aware that this post is about my trip to the gynecologist today. If you dare, please continue. If not, please wait for Kristina's next installment of non-gyno blogginess. Thank you.

If you're still with me, I appreciate your support and/or curiosity.

Sooo I've never been to the gyno before. What?! You say. Almost 26 and never been!? Yep. I've somehow managed to escape it aaalllll these years. I finally decided to just MAN UP (or woman up, whatever) and just do it.

I realized while talking to a couple friends today before going in that there are LOTS of things I was worried about that other girls were/are worried about, too!! So I thought I'd use this blog as a platform for putting some of those fears to rest:

1. Is it awkward? Yes. Horribly. I think the awkwardness of it is the worst part. BUT your doctor probably won't mind if you keep repeating how awkward you feel, or if you can't stop laughing during your upper half exam. I swear I'm an adult. Sometimes.
2. Does it hurt? A little, but it doesn't last very long.
3. Do they dress you in a napkin? Haha ok, so maybe no one is concerned about this BUT they should be! SO AWKWARD to be sitting on a doctor's table in a person-sized NAPKIN with an opening down the front!!!
4. Should you be worried if during your exam, your doctor says, "Um..woah...hang on. I need to go get another doctor in here."? If you're me, then YES. Hello?! What kind of doctor says that?! Terrifying!!

Soo now I have an appointment next week to get an ultrasound. Apparently I'm freaky weird. Want the details? Call me.

SCRUBS

Besides being the title of a quite hilarious television show, scrubs really do serve a purpose in this world. Quite a few purposes, actually. The best one? Those with the joy of wearing them do not have to worry about what to wear to work everyday. And they can wear tennis shoes. 

My new scrubs were ordered today. And I can't freaking WAIT. Woo!!!! Yay to no more sore feet! Yay to no more clothing stresses! Yay!

Oh and to sanitation and cleanliness or something else that actually medically matters. Haha. :)

... jealous?

-Kristina

P.S. My sweet nieces are coming this weekend and I want to leap with happiness!

Random Thoughts

I am too tired to write a coherent post. This is what I'm thinking: 

- Donny Osmond is hot. Still.

- I can't believe I rear-ended someone this morning. Ugh. I don't even want to tell the story

- I hope I get to start wearing my scrubs soon. 

- How can dancers wear so little clothing and do such crazy moves but still not have all their body parts flying everywhere?

- I wonder what Nikki decided about the waxing dilemma. Maybe I should just read her blog to find out. But I'm too tired.

- I haven't really snuggled/kissed someone in a long time. You'd think that shouldn't really matter but I miss it and feel a little angsty. 

- That burrito was delicious but I want some ice cream. Or a chocolate blast from Baskin Robbins

- Our blog kind of sucks lately. Calee should clearly be the one that takes the blame. Clearly.

- I should probably blog about my weekend and how incredible it was. But what if all of my boyfriends find out about each other? Hahahaha. Juuuust kidding. Remember the snuggle/kiss thought? Nothin happening. Promise. 

- I saw Jan's family this weekend and it made me realize that I miss them and our friends almost more than I miss him. 

- Instead of bad constants with happy moments, I have had a very very awesome few weeks of CONSTANT happy with a few bad moments. Pretty sweet.

- My job is incredible. I lucked out big time. They told me today I am way better than the girl I replaced. However, all I know about her is that she would visit graveyards in her freetime for fun.   ... okay. 

- I am sad Brooke can't blog about michael gump anymore.

- I would like to have a husband. Ha ha. I am so mormon. But for real.

... I need to stop now. Beginning to cross the weird line. Okay I crossed it a long time ago. Hush! You're the one reading this of your own free will! Who's the weird one now? 

-Kristina