Monday, October 12, 2009

Finding Answers

Warning: This is a spiritual post. And long. If you're not interested, move along! Otherwise - I'd love to share my recent spiritual findings with you.

I've been having the hardest time lately receiving and then TRUSTING answers to my prayers. Everyone knows my whole recent-breakup situation, and yes I talk about it all the time. Sorry! But it's just a big part of my life right now. One of the things that shook me the very most about that break up was that I honestly believed that I had received an answer from God, confirming to me the things that I had decided, and telling me it was the right choice and the best direction to go. 

So I moved forward with it. I put my heart in a vulnerable place and put my future in somebody else's hands. And now suddenly my entire life is on a different course and I've been hurt really deeply, and everything that I thought was so right is apparently so wrong. It feels like one big betrayal. Not only from my potential partner, but also my own feelings and thoughts that I had interpreted as answers to prayer. 

It has been a really confusing and difficult time for me. I've had a lot of heart-to-hearts with the Lord - I know that He is the only person I can ever fully trust, but there's a part of me that feels like my connection with Him has been obstructed somehow, since I apparently received some misguided instruction. Does that make any sense at all? Probably not - I have just over-thought this so many times by now. It makes sense to me. Ha ha. 

Either way, here I am in this situation now. And it's time for me to make decisions about what direction I'm going and where I want my life to be. But I am crippled by this fear of making bad decisions! Even when I felt like I did everything I could to know, made a decision, received a confirmation, and then had the faith to act - it blew up in my face. How frustrating. 

So I've been really trying to rediscover the way that I receive answers, and reidentify what a prompting looks and feels like to me personally. Elder Scott's talk on Saturday morning during General Conference was so dead on. I went to conference with my list of questions ready, and this situation circled as such a huge issue that I want some guidance on. And this was the very first talk! It was an incredible moment for me.  

"Have patience as you are perfecting your ability to be led by the Spirit. By careful practice, through the application of correct principles, and by being sensitive to the feelings that come, you will gain spiritual guidance. I bear witness that the Lord, through the Holy Ghost, can speak to your mind and heart. Sometimes the impressions are just general feelings. Sometimes the direction comes so clearly and so unmistakably that it can be written down like spiritual dictation.4 

I bear solemn witness that as you pray with all the fervor of your soul with humility and gratitude, you can learn to be consistently guided by the Holy Spirit in all aspects of your life. I have confirmed the truthfulness of that principle in the crucible of my own life. I testify that you can personally learn to master the principles of being guided by the Spirit. That way, the Savior can guide you to resolve challenges of life and enjoy great peace and happiness." - Elder Scott (For full talk, click here)

I am happy to report a small victory that happened yesterday in Sacrament Meeting. A new friend of mine had her baptism last week, and was able to be confirmed in church yesterday. During the Sacrament, I had a thought and leaned over to ask my dad how long Diana had to wait until she could go to the temple to do baptisms with me. He said she could go tomorrow, if she wanted. I just made a mental note, that I should invite her to come with me when I go this week. I didn't write it down as a prompting, I didn't think anything of it. 

Until after church, when the Elders stopped me to say hi. Partway through our conversation one of them stopped, and looked at me for a minute. Then he said, "Hey, I don't know if you'd be willing to do this - but how would you feel about taking Diana with you to do temple baptisms this week?" I told him that I had thought that very same thing myself! 

I could've done a cartwheel out the door that day. You might think that was a coincidence, but I promise it wasn't. Neither of us had that thought on our own that day - it was the Spirit. And that was Heavenly Father's way of saying, "KRISTINA - THIS IS WHAT A PROMPTING FEELS LIKE. REMEMBER?" 

Yes, I do remember. And it is so good! Just a little tiny step toward my goal, but I am feeling so good about it.  

I'm going to go do a cartwheel now. Have a good day! 



Katie said...

Thanks for sharing ( :
And you do make sense

Melody said...

I felt the confusion/not trusting your own feelings stuff you described when trying to get an answer on whether or not I should marry my husband. I don't know if it helps you, but I remembered a church talk (forgot who it was) where the man said he decided to marry his wife not because he felt it is overwhelmingly right, but because of the absence of feeling anything wrong about it.

That's how I made the decision to marry my husband. I didn't get a direct answer of "YES." I got more of a "WHY NOT?" I didn't feel a SHRED of anything wrong about it. With my other boyfriends there was always something nagging me as wrong that it just took me a while to face.

I make many big decisions this way. Don't know if this helps...but I'm way happy for you and your spiritual victory! :)

Francesca said...

Spiritual progression is always exciting and relieving! I'm glad you had such a wonderful experience.

Anonymous said...

Happened on your blog from your sister's blog. I think we all struggle with this. Sometimes its in our face and other times we have to work at it. Your story brought tears to my eyes because your story is so true to all of us seeking guidance from the Holy Ghost. Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

"'I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me. [D&C 9:8–9]'

How do you choose a wife? I've heard a lot of young people from Brigham Young University and elsewhere say, "I've got to get a feeling of inspiration. I've got to get some revelation. I've got to fast and pray and get the Lord to manifest to me whom I should marry." Well, maybe it will be a little shock to you, but never in my life did I ever ask the Lord whom I ought to marry. It never occurred to me to ask him. I went out and found the girl I wanted; she suited me; I evaluated and weighed the proposition, and it just seemed a hundred percent to me as though this ought to be. Now, if I'd done things perfectly, I'd have done some counseling with the Lord, which I didn't do; but all I did was pray to the Lord and ask for some guidance and direction in connection with the decision that I'd reached. A more perfect thing to have done would have been to counsel with him relative to the decision and get a spiritual confirmation that the conclusion, which I by my agency and faculties had arrived at, was the right one."

Elder Mcconkie
"Agency or Inspiration?"

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