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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dear Husband,

You better be hot. Like real hot. I'm talkin, people-can't-look-directly-at-you-because-your-beauty-will-burn-their-retinas hot.

Is that too much to ask? I mean, I'm just saying - I have to be doing all this work for SOMETHING, right? Maybe you are brilliantly smart. I'd be cool with that. Or way spiritual. I would enjoy that as well.

What I'm not enjoying quite as thoroughly, however, is you leaving me here to fend for myself. Whatever happened to provide, protect, preserve...? Actually I don't really know that phrase apparently. Or is that for cops? Okay, just forget I brought it up.

What I'm trying to say is I could use some help here. Or maybe just a little sneak-peek letting me know that you're worth all of this garbage. Because seriously, it is some major garbage right now. I also happen to be fairly talented at whining, so that helps. Maybe you were the cause of a bad break up in order to deserve that trait in me. Lucky you!

Either way - we are fighting right now. We've never even met and that's good, because I'm not talking to you. Why don't you go sleep on the couch tonight and really think about what you've done. We can talk about it in the morning.

And by talk I mean you can apologize and propose. And by morning I mean sometime in the distant future when you come forth out of obscurity.

Same thing.

Love,
Your wife
(Kristina)

P.S. I think it's time we both stop pretending - I'm having a love affair with Mr. Taco. You know it, and I know it. I'm glad we can just get it out in the open now. The fact of the matter is, he's been there for me when you haven't.

... I hope we can work this out.


3 comments :

Francesca said...

Dear wife,

YOU better be hot! Is that too much to ask? I mean, I'm just saying, I have to be doing all this work for SOMETHING, right? Maybe you are brilliantly smart. I'd be cool with that. Or way spiritual. I would enjoy that as well.

What I'm not enjoying quite as thoroughly, however, is you leaving me here to fend for myself. Whatever happened to encourage, support, and comfort?

What I'm trying to say is I could use some help here. Or maybe just a little sneak-peek letting me know you're worth all of this garbage. Because seriously, it is some major garbage right now.

Either way, we are fighting right now. We've never even met, and that's good, because I'm not talking to you. Why don't I go sleep on the couch tonight and leave you to cuddle by yourself and cry into your pillow. We can talk about it in the morning.

And by talk I mean you can apologize and walk by catching my eye with your beautiful smile. And by morning I mean right now! I miss you. I need you. I am so tired of all these other dumb girls.

Love,
Your Husband

p.s. I also have to confess: I have a love affair with Chiquita Banana. Maybe we can hook her up with Mr. Taco and we can have our own love affair!

[Sorry, Kristina, I couldn't resist. Just trying to say that I bet he's going through the same thing right now as you are!]

Calee said...

First of all - I'm peeing my pants.

Second, someone should tell Francesca's spouse that she's apparently your future husband - it might be awkward, but someone needs to do it.

And Mr. Taco is a two-timing piece of mink!

Lyrax said...

Wow, it sounds like you're being pretty harsh on him. I understand you need to release frustration, but consider this:

You gather more flies with vinegar than with honey, but what you're after probably likes honey more.

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