I watch too many movies.

Movies are such a load of garbage. They put things in my brain that shouldn't be there. Unrealistic images and hopes of things that I wish would happen but won't. I see my life like a movie or a tv show (I am totally hooked on Grey's Anatomy right now) and it seems like when reality hits, it hits hard.

I was standing in my front yard today. Looking at all of the boxes full of my things. Staring at the apartments behind me that I've lived in for years. It felt like I was in a dream, kind of. Like in movies where things get a little fuzzy and the person has flash-backs of all the things that have happened to them in that place. That's how it was. My car was pulled in front of my apartment, with half of my things in it and half of them on the grass around me. I was too tired to keep going, too hot to keep moving in the sun, too drained to feel anything besides total exhaustion.

I sat on the grass and stared down the street, waiting for the end of the movie to start. Just waiting for him to drive down that street and pull up to my house. Tell me to stop packing and stay with him because he figured it out and he knows what he wants now, so just stay. And then we cry and kiss and the credits roll and that's the end.

But I'm not in a movie. And that's not the end. And no one drove down the street. And I sat there in the sun, sweating, tired, probably dehydrated since I can't keep anything down right now. And I stared at my things and realized that I really am leaving. I really am never going to live in this place again. Everything that I know about this life in this place is about to be over forever. And it hits me that tomorrow is the end of this era that I'm not necessarily ready for.

And I just sit on my lawn, wearing a Jazz shirt that's way too big, with my dirty hair and red face from the sun covered in tears. And I just cry sitting right there. And nothing about it is like a movie at all - it's like a nightmare. It's like those nightmares that wake you up because you really are crying and you can't stop crying for a while because the feeling was just so horrible.

But I can't wake up. This isn't a movie, or a nightmare. It's just life. And this, too, shall pass. This, too, shall be for my learning and for my good. I just can't see that right now.

Brooke used to tease me for having all these depressing posts. It helped me to write them out, though. And so I hope it helps again. Hopefully there will be a lot less starting very soon.

Bye, Provo. I probably won't see you for a long, long time.